sellersoapbox.com

Welcome to SellerSoapbox => Fun 'n Games => Topic started by: flyinghouse on March 28, 2012, 10:33:34 AM

Title: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: flyinghouse on March 28, 2012, 10:33:34 AM
I'll start with a quick one, chosen just because I couldn't have gotten away with this one on the other forum:

Q. Have you heard about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A.  It's mother-fucking good!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on March 28, 2012, 07:15:34 PM
Caution:  Link contains profanity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn38I0Y-zqg
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on March 28, 2012, 07:20:00 PM
I'll start with a quick one, chosen just because I couldn't have gotten away with this one on the other forum:

Q. Have you heard about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A.  It's mother-fucking good!

OMG LOL

Well, you've not lived until you've had a 100.00 an hour shrink tell you that you have a reverse Oedipus Complex.  What that means is that you've had enough therapy because now they're starting to make shit up.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on March 28, 2012, 07:56:07 PM
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were at lunch discussing their collections. 

The priest said, I draw a circle on the ground and toss all the money from the offerings up into the air.  What lands outside of the circle is what the church gives to do the Lord's work.

The minister said, I too draw a circle on the ground and throw all the collections up into the air.  What lands inside of the circle is what our church gives to do the Lord's work.

The rabbi said, This is amazing!  I also draw a circle on the ground and toss all the money up into the air, and whatever the Lord can catch, he can keep.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/109925/saturday-night-live-sandler-update-song

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: airmarmot on March 29, 2012, 12:45:43 PM
I went to see the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Doctor Acula (http://www.logan.ws/quotes/mitch-hedberg.asp)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: flyinghouse on March 29, 2012, 05:00:40 PM
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."  A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: flyinghouse on March 31, 2012, 01:26:38 PM
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, BINGO!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on April 01, 2012, 07:29:31 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFaSn-Mayqw&feature=related
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: airmarmot on April 05, 2012, 03:46:13 PM
(http://content.comicskingdom.net/Crankshaft/Crankshaft.20120405_large.gif)

via http://www.seattlepi.com/comics-and-games/fun/Crankshaft/
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 08, 2012, 04:18:31 PM
For sale : one white lace wedding dress, size 8 worn once by mistake.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 08, 2012, 07:02:12 PM
Two sisters, one a little scatterbrained and one smart, inherit the family ranch and are soon threatened repossion by the bank. To make money, they decided to spend their last $600 to purchase a bull for breeding.
 
Upon leaving, the smart one tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
She arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides to buy it.  But it cost $599, no less.
   
After paying him, she went to the telegraph office and said, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, she only had $1 left for one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she said, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
 
She explains, 'My sister's is a little scatterbrained. The word is big.
   
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on April 09, 2012, 12:05:32 PM
LOL   :D  Oh ya!  come for da bull
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on April 12, 2012, 06:55:13 AM
Knock, Knock.

Who's There?

Y Eye.

Y Eye Who?

Why I Never Go On a Cruise Ship,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amKBSPAWGxI
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: airmarmot on April 12, 2012, 11:52:20 AM
Knock knock

Who's there?

Billy The Mute

Billy The Mute who?

...........................................
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 13, 2012, 08:30:01 PM
Dandiman replied: "LOL     Oh ya!  come for da bull"


Glad you liked it, dandi!  :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 13, 2012, 10:09:32 PM
I'll start with a quick one, chosen just because I couldn't have gotten away with this one on the other forum:

Q. Have you heard about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A.  It's mother-fucking good!

Considering that the original tagline was "Finger-lickin' good," it seems like the joke would be more appropriate as "Mother-lickin' good"

But, I'll admit that "Mother-fuckin' good" rolls off the tongue better.

So to speak.

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 13, 2012, 10:16:54 PM
Q: Who yelled, "Coming are the British! Coming are the British!"

A: Paul Reverse
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on April 14, 2012, 07:58:07 AM
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Y Eye

Y Eye Who?

Why I don't run from the police,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUYbu5DJA1U
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 27, 2012, 09:43:39 AM
Early one evening the bachelor was pleasantly surprised to see his attractive next door neighbor, a young divorcee, at his door.

They exchanged pleasantries, and she got to the point: "I'm incredibly horny and I need to get drunk and get laid, in that order. Do you have plans for tonight?"

"Well, no," he says, "I'm completely free tonight!"

"Great!" she says, "Can you watch my kids for a few hours?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on April 27, 2012, 12:11:19 PM
lol
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 29, 2012, 03:34:20 PM
A woman finds her teenaged daughter in bed one morning with a young man and she yells at the girl. The girl says , " But ma, I swear, last night he was a frog."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 01, 2012, 07:02:54 AM
LOL! Some great jokes on this thread since I last checked!   :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on May 03, 2012, 05:52:23 AM
(http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/7890/31084201.png)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 03, 2012, 04:20:05 PM
A dumb blonde called her boyfriend because she was having trouble with a rooster puzzle. She said, "Honey, I'm trying to put this rooster puzzle together but none of the pieces fit and I can't get it to look like the picture on the box. Will you come over and help me please?"

The boyfriend goes over and sees his girlfriend struggling and almost in tears. She sputters as she show him the box with the rooster, "This is the pictue but these darned pieces just don't fit. " He kisses the top of her beautiful blond head and says "don't stress yourself ,sweetie, here, let me make you a cup of tea and then we'll put all the cornflakes back in he box."  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 03, 2012, 07:34:38 PM
Veinard, that is sooooooo funny!!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 04, 2012, 06:57:22 PM
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 06, 2012, 09:09:41 AM
Ha, ha, ha! Love the alliterations too!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 06, 2012, 06:42:11 PM
These are some oneliners:

A day without sunshine is like  .... Night!

Other the other hand, you have diffferent fingers.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse in the trap gets the cheese.  ;D

Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

Light is faster thand sound which is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Eagles, may soar, but weasels never get sucked up into jet engines.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 06, 2012, 07:26:02 PM
Sooooo funny, V!!!   :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 08, 2012, 03:35:25 PM
A priest and a rabbi were seated side by side on a cross country flight. The rabbi had a kosher meal and the priest, noticing this, turned to him and said," May I ask you a very personal question?"

The rabbi replied, "Of course."

The priest said, "Have you ever broken the dietary laws of your faith?"

The rabbis said, "Yes, I once succumbed to temptation and ate a ham sandwich. Now, may I ask YOU a personal question?"

The priest said, "Of course."

The rabbi inquired " Have you ever broken your vow of celibacy?"

The priest sighed and said, " Yes. Once, I too, succumbed to temptation and had sex with a woman."

The rabbi answered, " Sure beats the hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't it?"  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 10, 2012, 06:56:59 PM
Following are 10 "And than the fight started" jokes. Enjoy!

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

****

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we  were in bed.. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,

"Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the  boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a  torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back  into the garage,  turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into  bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband  is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

****

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.. You know  how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem  funny? Yeah,  well couldn't believe it...... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

"I AM NOT  HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.....

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for  my driver's  license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left  my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and  I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she  hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.   I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 11, 2012, 04:29:07 PM
Great yucks, intermission!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 11, 2012, 09:49:52 PM
Thanks, V!   :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 14, 2012, 02:39:41 AM
Why do psychics always ask your name?  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 14, 2012, 09:25:24 AM
Why do psychics always ask, "What do you want to know?"  :-\
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on May 17, 2012, 03:45:53 PM
A little old lady in a rest home gets to feeling frisky one evening.  She slips on her bathrobe with nothing else under it and shuffles down the hallway to a little old man's room.

Standing in the doorway she opens her bathrobe exposing herself to him and proclaims,

"Super Pussy!"

No, says the man.


She goes to another man's room exposes herself and proclaims,

"Super Pussy!"


He also declines,


Undeterred she shuffles down to a third little old man's room and proclaims,

"Super Pussy!"


Astonished, he shouts,

"I'll have the soup!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 17, 2012, 06:26:00 PM
If you think no one cares, try missing a few payments.  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 18, 2012, 04:21:23 PM
Life isn't like  a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 20, 2012, 03:19:00 AM
Mail is like a penis. You lick it, handle it, and put it in holes.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 20, 2012, 07:10:33 AM
Mail is like a penis. You lick it, handle it, and put it in holes.  ;D

And then it takes forever to arrive? ;)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on May 20, 2012, 01:23:19 PM
Mail is like a penis. You lick it, handle it, and put it in holes.  ;D

Wow!

I used to worked in retail for a guy who would make up his own sayings.  If a customer would put the wrong thing up on the counter or put the wrong bill down or something or if he would make a mistake, he would say, "Did you or I stick my finger in the wrong hole."

The customers would always laugh and shake their heads yes.  Then they would think about the comment for a moment and get a "eeewww" expression on their faces.  Sometimes they got pretty pissed off about it.  It was hilarious.  He was a one of a kind original that's for sure. 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 23, 2012, 03:47:53 PM
What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 27, 2012, 03:59:09 PM
A man was washed up on a desert island where he found himself alone with two beautiful women, one a blonde, the other a brunette. He made love to the blonde every Mon. Wed. and Fri. and made love to the brunette every Tues. Thurs. and Sat. On Sundays, he rested.

One day, while on the beach alone, he saw  a man in the waves offshore struggling to swim in to the beach. He encouraged the man saying "Come on, you can do it. You're going to love it here, buddy." Finally the swimming man reached shore and the other man went to help him, but the swimming man said, "this has just ruined my hair, I mean look at me, what a mess, and I broke THREE fingernails on my right hand swimming in here." The other man sighed and said, "There goes my Sundays."  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 30, 2012, 04:34:35 PM
I got this Norwegian joke from the other soapbox.

How did the Norwegian break his leg at the golf course?

He fell off the ball washer.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 30, 2012, 07:40:49 PM
A man was washed up on a desert island where he found himself alone with two beautiful women, one a blonde, the other a brunette. He made love to the blonde every Mon. Wed. and Fri. and made love to the brunette every Tues. Thurs. and Sat. On Sundays, he rested.

One day, while on the beach alone, he saw  a man in the waves offshore struggling to swim in to the beach. He encouraged the man saying "Come on, you can do it. You're going to love it here, buddy." Finally the swimming man reached shore and the other man went to help him, but the swimming man said, "this has just ruined my hair, I mean look at me, what a mess, and I broke THREE fingernails on my right hand swimming in here." The other man sighed and said, "There goes my Sundays."  ;D


HA, HA, HA! Too funny!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 01, 2012, 02:52:26 AM
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on June 06, 2012, 09:13:21 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Ohio back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical male I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn?t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace,  the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

-From the web.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 06, 2012, 04:16:55 PM
A man was walking through a deserted cemetery, taking a shortcut, when he fell into an open grave. He screamed for help for hours while trying to climb up the smooth walls of the grave, but to no avail. Exhausted, he fell back and sat, leaning against the dirt walls to catch his breath. Suddenly, out of nowhere another man falls into the grave. The second man proceeds to scream for help and tries to claw his way out. The first man says "Relax, buddy. You'll never make it."...... But he did.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 06, 2012, 11:32:00 PM
 :D  You guys are hilarious!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 07, 2012, 04:17:28 PM
A woman goes to see her priest with a problem. She says, "Father I'm having a problem with my two talking pet female parrots. They only know one line, 'Hi, We're hookers. Wanna have some fun?'"

The priest replies, "That's terrible, that's obscene."

She responds, "I know. It's terribly embarassing too, but what can I do about it?"

The priest tells her, "I've got two male parrots, Peter and Francis. They're very devout. I've taught them the bible and how to pray the rosary. Why don't you bring your two parrots to the rectory tomorrow and we'll see if Peter and Francis' example doesn't help them to change.

The next day, the woman brought her two parrots to the rectory. The priest let her in and ushered her into the parlor where Peter and Francis sat in their cage praying the rosary, their little beaks moving rapidly in prayer, the beads entwined in their wings. "But this is wonderful!" The woman said, and she quickly placed her parrots in the cage with Peter and Francis. The woman's parrots immediately exclaimed, "Hi, We're Hookers. Wanna have some fun?"

Peter turns to Francis and says, "Put away the beads Frank, at last, our prayers have been answered."  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 10, 2012, 05:28:02 PM
Heard this on Car Talk yesterday:

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person. 
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail.  Due to this diet, he wound up with very
bad breath.  Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 12, 2012, 03:49:40 PM
Why are redneck murders never solved?

Because everyone's DNA is the same and no one has dental records.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 17, 2012, 08:23:56 PM
HA, ha! Too funny, V!

He didn't like the casserole,
and he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard,...
Not like his Mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
he didn't like the stew,
and I didn't mend his socks,...
Like his Mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked the s*** out of him....
Like his Mother used to do.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 18, 2012, 02:50:29 AM
That's cute intemission.  ;D

What are the only two times men can get excited?

During the day and during the night.   ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Dandiman on June 26, 2012, 03:12:15 PM
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 26, 2012, 04:19:19 PM
Dandiman that is hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 28, 2012, 04:38:21 PM
Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing away the W's.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 06, 2012, 04:19:26 PM
This is sexually explicit so read no further if that would upset you.

What is the life of a penis?

1) It lives with two nuts.

2) next to an asshole

3) It has a head it can't think with

4) and an eye it can't see with

5) it's best friend is a pussy

6) and, it's owner beats it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on July 06, 2012, 06:57:43 PM



   Dumb blonde is being examined by her gynecologist who looks up at her and says "Well Miss Jones,it appears you are pregnant."
   She looks at him and screams "OH MY GOD, IS IT MINE?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on July 07, 2012, 10:55:37 AM
1 Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their head stuck in the jar!

2 Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.

3 Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that little package.

4 What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5 Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room!

6 How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.

7 What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they're on their backs they're screwed!

8 What's the mating call of a blonde?
I think I'm drunk!

9 What's the mating call of a Brunette?
Is that damn blonde gone yet?

10 Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
That's where you wash vegetables!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on July 08, 2012, 06:50:26 PM


  Dumb Blonde>Dinkle Berry
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 10, 2012, 03:56:13 PM
That was very funny intermission. I'm particularly fond of blonde jokes.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on July 10, 2012, 10:27:06 PM




   Three guys walk into a bar.One ducks.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 03, 2012, 04:35:55 PM
How do you know if a blonde has been using the computer?

There's white out on the screen.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 04, 2012, 11:27:09 AM
Thanks v! And yours has me rolling. LOL!

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 04, 2012, 04:28:04 PM
Intermission, that's hilarious! I've got to share that one with my blonde joke loving freinds.  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 05, 2012, 04:51:18 PM
Thanks, and since we're on a roll...

Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 05, 2012, 05:50:38 PM
Thanks, and since we're on a roll...

Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!

Hahaha.  ;D I told my mom the other one aout the blonde in the circle. She doubled over laughing at that.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 07, 2012, 12:49:35 AM
Glad to help give mom a laugh break  :)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 07, 2012, 02:31:23 AM
Glad to help give mom a laugh break  :)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

 ;D I've never heard this one.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 11, 2012, 02:42:45 AM
There were three men at a brothel. One man was entering the establishment. One was inside and the third was leaving. Based on this information, what were the nationalities of the three men?

The man entering the brothel was Russian.

The man inside the brothel was Himalayan.

And the man leaving the brothel was Finnish.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 11, 2012, 06:39:13 PM
LOL! V, that is hysterical! I'll be passing it on!   ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 12, 2012, 03:05:51 AM
LOL! V, that is hysterical! I'll be passing it on!   ;D

Thanks intermission. That was my dad's favorite joke.  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 15, 2012, 11:33:31 AM
Your dad had a good sense of humor :-)

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, "I'm on Sycamore Drive."
"How do you spell that?" the operator asked.
"S-i-c-k?" the man began. "No, s-i-c-a...No, s-i-k-a...Oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I'll call you back."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 02, 2012, 03:24:29 AM
A smart man and a dumb man were having a conversation. The smart man asked the dumb man, "What do you think is the world's greatest invention?" The dumb man pondered this for a few minutes then said, "The thermos is the world's greatest invention." The smart man grimmaces and argues, "The thermos? What's so great about the thermos?" The dumb man says, "Well, you put something hot into it and it stays hot, but if you put something cold into it, it stays cold." The smart man said, "Yeah, so what's so terrific about that?"
The dumb man scratches his chin and exclaims, "But how do it KNOW?"  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: dunkie on September 16, 2012, 11:11:00 AM
The 911 operator got a call near the end of a crisp autumn day.  The caller was frantic:  "Oh my god," he yelled, "We were hunting . . . I . . .  I just shot my friend.  He's dead !  What should I do ? What should I do ??"
"Sir, please calm down," the 911 operator says.  "Now, first of all.  Are you sure your friend is really dead?"
"Just a minute," the guy says.   
There is a pause and the operator hears a sharp sound. Then the guy is back on the phone:
"Okay, I'm sure he is now!", he says. 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 19, 2012, 04:41:43 PM
This is a joke about healthcare.

No matter which side you are on, here is a second opinion. The American Medical association has weighed in on Health care reform. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile,Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Opthamologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body! while the Pediatricians said "Oh, grow up." The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic sugeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on September 19, 2012, 06:03:46 PM
LOL! Dunkie, that's great!

That is a RIOT, V! Love it! Love it!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 20, 2012, 03:28:59 AM
LOL! Dunkie, that's great!

That is a RIOT, V! Love it! Love it!  ;D

Thanks intermission. A family friend gave that to us, so I just had to share.  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 28, 2012, 04:01:40 PM
A woman had been married 5 times, but was still a virgin. She marries a 6th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 5 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.

She told him:

My first husband was a Gynocologiist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a Psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My thrid husband was an engineer. He said it looked promising but he hadn't dawn up the blueprints for it yet.

My Forth husband was a computer technician and he said things looked clear but he was still worried about viruses and wouldn't touch a trojan.

My fifth husband was a customer service rep. He said no one was available to help me at the time, but he'd have it looked into and have a specialist get back to me later.

Her new husband reiterates, but why are you so excitied now?

She replies, "Because you're a Lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 02, 2012, 03:35:20 PM
Two men were motoring through Kentucky. They reached Louisville. One man insisted it was pronounced - LOUIEVILLE while the other said it was pronounced LEWISVILLE.

They argued and argued about it until one of them suggested thay ask a resident for the correct pronunciation, so they expained to the first person they saw and asked, "Please speak slowly and just tell us where we are." The man looked at them and replied, B-U-R-G-E-R   K - I- N - G.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 09, 2012, 03:03:36 AM
What did the blonde say after having sex?

Are you guys all on the same team?  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 11, 2012, 03:08:28 AM
Did you hear about the Polish Man who's only wish was to be buried at sea?

His two sons died digging his grave.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on October 11, 2012, 07:29:01 AM
A woman had been married 5 times, but was still a virgin. She marries a 6th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 5 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.

She told him:

My first husband was a Gynocologiist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a Psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My thrid husband was an engineer. He said it looked promising but he hadn't dawn up the blueprints for it yet.

My Forth husband was a computer technician and he said things looked clear but he was still worried about viruses and wouldn't touch a trojan.

My fifth husband was a customer service rep. He said no one was available to help me at the time, but he'd have it looked into and have a specialist get back to me later.

Her new husband reiterates, but why are you so excitied now?

She replies, "Because you're a Lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."  ;D

LOL! These are all a riot, V!! But You know I love the one's you share with lists of professions or countries.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 13, 2012, 02:50:14 AM
What's the most common football injury?  ???

A blister on the remote control thumb.  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on October 28, 2012, 12:04:05 PM
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in his sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 28, 2012, 02:48:14 PM
A little bit different take on this one --

A woman had been married 3 times, but was still a virgin. She marries a 4th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 3 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.

She told him:

"My first husband, John, was a Gynocologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband, Al, was a Psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My third husband, Frank, was a philatelist.......God, I miss Frank..."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 28, 2012, 02:54:03 PM
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge ...........so he stops.

He asks ,"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does. A long, passionate, kiss.



After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
you are wasting! Why are you
committing suicide?"








"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 28, 2012, 02:55:19 PM
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 28, 2012, 03:04:43 PM
One more - I got a million of 'em.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 28, 2012, 03:44:59 PM
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in his sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Intermission, that's hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 28, 2012, 03:47:24 PM
A little bit different take on this one --

A woman had been married 3 times, but was still a virgin. She marries a 4th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 3 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.

She told him:

"My first husband, John, was a Gynocologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband, Al, was a Psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My third husband, Frank, was a philatelist.......God, I miss Frank..."

LOL! Thats so funny.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 28, 2012, 03:52:09 PM
One more - I got a million of 'em.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

That's very good. I've never heard this one.  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on October 28, 2012, 05:54:38 PM
Thanks, V! And a big LOL to Bubba for all his great jokes ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 29, 2012, 06:57:18 PM
"her" jokes.... ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on October 30, 2012, 06:04:14 AM
A female Bubba, who would have thunk it  :D Welcome.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 04, 2012, 01:25:53 AM
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 04, 2012, 02:09:12 AM
Baaah. Intermission, that was so cute.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 06, 2012, 05:57:42 PM
I hope everyone got out to VOTE, because this election is NO JOKE  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 07, 2012, 02:58:44 AM
I hope everyone got out to VOTE, because this election is NO JOKE  :D

I did, I did. I had to go late because the traffic in MA was insane in the morning.  :o
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 10, 2012, 03:18:24 PM
Well, now that the election is behind us.....


A man visited a mental asylum. The man asked the director, "How do you determine whether a person should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the director, "we fill a bathtub up with water and offer the person a teaspoon, teacup and bucket and ask them to empty the tub." The man replies, "Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger." The director says "NO, a normal person would just pull the plug." The man was offered a nice room with a bed near the window.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 10, 2012, 04:16:33 PM
The first symptom of mental illness is hair growing on the fingernails. The second symptom is looking for it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 10, 2012, 08:58:56 PM
LOL! Good one, V!  ;D  :o
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 11, 2012, 08:14:57 AM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 12, 2012, 05:55:49 PM
That's very funny bubba.

 Intermission, I told my mom the one about the sheep farmer and she told it to her friends at their weekly luncheon. She said they "howled with laughter,"

So thanks to both of you for the great jokes.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 12, 2012, 07:01:17 PM
how dirty can the jokes be here? My best jokes are pretty filthy.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 12, 2012, 08:33:49 PM
That's very funny bubba.

 Intermission, I told my mom the one about the sheep farmer and she told it to her friends at their weekly luncheon. She said they "howled with laughter,"

So thanks to both of you for the great jokes.

That is sooo cool, V! I'm flattered you passed it on.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 12, 2012, 08:39:28 PM
how dirty can the jokes be here? My best jokes are pretty filthy.

I don't believe the host has laid down the law on this, so it's been trial and error. Your jokes have been great so far. Just use your best judgement going forward.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 13, 2012, 04:08:47 PM
how dirty can the jokes be here? My best jokes are pretty filthy.

Bubba I love your jokes, especially the last one. We're all adults here so go for it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 14, 2012, 07:48:08 AM
well this one is better in person, but here goes.

In the old West, Jesse James and his gang hold up a train. He jumps on the passenger car and announces, "I'm Jesse James and this is my gang of desperados and we're holding up this train! We're gonna rape all the men and rob all the women!"

A big cowboy sitting up front snickers and says, "Don't you mean ROB all the men and RAPE all the women?"

A little guy in the back jumps up and simpers "Be quiet! Mr. James knows how to hold up a train!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 14, 2012, 07:54:00 AM
Hilarious, Bubba!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 14, 2012, 09:10:46 AM
The Pastor called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the Pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a Doctor!"

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 14, 2012, 10:42:07 AM
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 15, 2012, 06:55:43 PM
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 16, 2012, 03:06:30 AM
Bubba, intermission, you guys are both hilarious. I don't have anything to add right now.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 16, 2012, 10:20:11 AM
A man and his wife save for years for a trip to Paris. Finally they go on their 25th anniversary. They see the Louvre, Eiffel Tower, everything. On the last day the wife wants to go shopping at the designer boutiques. After a few stores, the man gets tired of shopping and decides to wait outside the store.

 While he is standing there, a lovely young lady approaches him and says, "How would you like to have a good time?"

 He is curious, so he asks how much it would cost him. "One thousand francs" is the answer.

He decides to have a little fun with her, so he answers, "Oh, that is too much. I could give you 50 francs."
 "Zut alors!" she exclaims and walks off.

The wife comes out with her purchases and they head off to the next shop. As they turn  the corner, the prostitute is walking toward them.  As she passes the man, she murmurs, "You see what you get for 50 francs?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on November 16, 2012, 10:23:19 AM
A man goes into a whorehouse, gives the madame £500 and says 'Give me the worst lay in the place'.
'But Sir!' she said. 'For £500 you can have the best!'
'Oh,' replied the man, 'I'm not horny, just homesick'.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 16, 2012, 10:29:34 AM
A madam answers the door at the whorehouse to find an old, decrepit man standing there.

"What do you want?" she asks.

" I want to have fun with a girl." he replies.

"Look at you - you must be 99 years old - you can barely walk, you're all crippled up, no teeth, no hair, ---what could you possibly do?"


"I rang the bell, didn't I?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 16, 2012, 10:47:43 AM
Bill and Bubba, I'm completely cracking up! Love to start my day this way!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 16, 2012, 10:48:10 AM
and now for a dirty one...


John has dreamed all his life of one thing - the best meal, in the best restaurant in Paris. He saves up his money and finally makes the trip.

 He picks the best 5 star restaurant in the Michelin guide and makes a reservation. On arrival, he introduces himself to Henri, the maitre d', and tells him of his wishes.

 "Henri, I leave it all in your hands. I want the best of everything. Money is no object."

 "Very good, m'sieur," says Henri, and seats him. He claps his hands twice and the first course, a soup, is brought out. John tastes it - it is simply the best soup he has ever eaten.

  "Fantastic, Henri - what is next?"  Out comes a fish course, then the salad, and so on through the meal. Each course is better than the last - the best meal John has ever had.

 Finally it is time for dessert. "Henri, I can not wait to see what dessert will be."
 Henri replies, "For dessert, we have zee Peach Poussee'." He claps his hands twice. A gorgeous, lovely young woman, stark naked, approaches the table with a perfect ripe peach in her hand. She smiles at John and gently rubs the peach against her pubic hair.
 
 "Oh my god!" exclaims John as he reaches for the peach. Henri exclaims "No, no M'sieur  -- not zee peach, zee pousee'!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 16, 2012, 11:24:18 AM
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 17, 2012, 01:28:15 PM
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol . HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly with that blanket before he catches cold!!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 18, 2012, 03:08:28 AM
Those are really funny bubba.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 18, 2012, 10:02:20 AM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and
coffee”??

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s
this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my
appetite”…….

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. “How about
a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich”?………

He declines.”The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for
food”……..

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like
a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry”?………..

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra.. I’m still
not hungry”…..

“Well, she says, “Would You Mind Letting Me Up?…..
I’m STARVING”!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Merrymommy on November 18, 2012, 11:02:57 AM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and
coffee”??

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s
this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my
appetite”…….

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. “How about
a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich”?………

He declines.”The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for
food”……..

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like
a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry”?………..

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra.. I’m still
not hungry”…..

“Well, she says, “Would You Mind Letting Me Up?…..
I’m STARVING”!!!!!!!!

Love it!  I always smile at the little creepy guy voice on the Viagra commercial who states..."Erections lasting more than four hours should be reported to your doctor".  I'd LOVE to hear THAT conversation...lol!

 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 18, 2012, 01:41:02 PM
Bubba, I'm still waiting for the one that reddens my face  :D That last one will be passed on....
Title: Here, for the first time on the internet..
Post by: bubba on November 18, 2012, 06:42:16 PM
A man walks into a bar with a dog and announces loudly, "My dog can talk and eat pussy."

Bartender rushes over, "Not so loud, this is a respectable joint."

Man says, "Well, it's true, my dog can talk and eat pussy."

Bartender says " let me hear your dog talk and I'll give you a free beer."

Man says "Speak!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Bartender says, "Great, now just sit there quietly and drink your beer."

Man sits, drinking beer. A lovely blonde comes up to him and says, "Is that true what you said about your dog?"

Man says, "it's true, my dog can talk and eat pussy."

She says, "I am staying right upstairs in the hotel here, I would love to see what your dog can do." They go up to her room, she undresses and lies on the bed with her legs spread, and says, "OK."

Man says, "Eat pussy!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Man says, "Eat pussy!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Man sighs, "OK, I'm gonna show you ONE MORE TIME...."
Title: Re: Here, for the first time on the internet..
Post by: veinard on November 20, 2012, 03:10:14 AM
A man walks into a bar with a dog and announces loudly, "My dog can talk and eat pussy."

Bartender rushes over, "Not so loud, this is a respectable joint."

Man says, "Well, it's true, my dog can talk and eat pussy."

Bartender says " let me hear your dog talk and I'll give you a free beer."

Man says "Speak!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Bartender says, "Great, now just sit there quietly and drink your beer."

Man sits, drinking beer. A lovely blonde comes up to him and says, "Is that true what you said about your dog?"

Man says, "it's true, my dog can talk and eat pussy."

She says, "I am staying right upstairs in the hotel here, I would love to see what your dog can do." They go up to her room, she undresses and lies on the bed with her legs spread, and says, "OK."

Man says, "Eat pussy!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Man says, "Eat pussy!"

Dog says, "Hello?"

Man sighs, "OK, I'm gonna show you ONE MORE TIME...."

OMG bubba.  ;D I've got to pass this one on!  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 20, 2012, 09:41:38 AM
Wo! You officially win the prize and reddened my face !  Still craacking up ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 20, 2012, 09:44:30 AM
that's one you'll never see in Reader's Digest.... :o
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 20, 2012, 10:05:51 AM
I knew you were safe when the moderater, Bill, wrote a great off-colored joke. Nice way of letting us know we were cool and could go for it  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 20, 2012, 10:06:48 AM
well since the first post had the F word in it, I think we are fairly safe.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on November 20, 2012, 10:07:48 AM
There's nothing wrong with this stuff.  We're adults.   8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 20, 2012, 10:17:12 AM
Great Bill! But you don't know what you started...just joshing...kinda  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 20, 2012, 10:19:15 AM
An American businessman is in Paris meeting with 3 of his French colleagues. One evening over drinks, he asks them, "What is this phrase I keep hearing, savoir faire? what does it mean?"

One Frenchman replies, "Well, let's say you came home from work early and walked into your bedroom, and your wife was in bed with another man. You would say, "Excusez-moi, please carry on.." and leave the room. That is savoir faire."

The second Frenchman replies, "Actually, let's say you came home from work early and walked into your bedroom, and your wife was in bed with another woman. You would say, "Excusez-moi, please carry on.." and leave the room. That is savoir faire."

The third Frenchman says, "Non, you are both wrong. Let us say you are in bed with your mistress and your wife walks in on you. She says,  "Excusez-moi, please carry on.." and you CAN - that is savoir faire."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on November 20, 2012, 10:29:12 AM
Great Bill! But you don't know what you started...just joshing...kinda  :D

If I put my moderator's hat on, you know what I'd say.  As long as we don't get personal abuse or racial/gender/orientation bigotry, we're OK.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 20, 2012, 10:37:01 AM
Me and my big mouth!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 20, 2012, 10:44:29 AM
Ok, I was holding off on this one:


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 20, 2012, 01:15:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 23, 2012, 03:05:50 AM
Ok, I was holding off on this one:


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

OMG intermission, that is so funny.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on November 24, 2012, 07:21:18 AM
There has been an outbreak of limerick-style funnies elsewhere on the forum:  this has always been one of my lewd favourites.

There was a young man from Ghent
whose member was wondrously bent
to save himself trouble
he'd put it in double
so instead of coming, he went.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 24, 2012, 07:56:54 AM
 ;D !
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 24, 2012, 04:47:00 PM
On the limmerick theme, here's another.

There was a young lady from Din,

Who's mother to save her from sin,

Filled her hole in

With shellac to the brim.

But the boys picked it out with a pin.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 24, 2012, 07:29:04 PM
Bill has started something  :D

There was a lady whose triplets begat
Nat, Pat and little Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on November 25, 2012, 03:09:56 AM
Bill has started something  :D

There was a lady whose triplets begat
Nat, Pat and little Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

That's very funny intermission. I love limmericks but neverheard that one.  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 25, 2012, 08:26:30 AM
Thanks, V. It's fun gettiing our rhyme on  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 27, 2012, 12:17:35 PM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.


2) It provides immunity against several diseases.


3) It is always the right temperature.


4) It is inexpensive.


5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.


6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:


7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
Title: A Christmas poem to put you in a holiday mood.
Post by: bubba on November 27, 2012, 02:37:43 PM
    

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the prisoners shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on
very well with everybody"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and
nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a
perfect picture as always ma'am !"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am  I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the fire"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 27, 2012, 06:22:58 PM
Grand contribution, Bubba. Thanks!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 29, 2012, 01:34:21 PM
back in the old days, an old woman walks into a butcher shop where all the meat is out on display, on ice. She picks up a chicken, looks at it critically from all angles. Picks up one wing, sniffs, picks up the other wing, sniffs. Peers into the cavity between the legs, sniffs. Puts it down and starts to walk out.

As she is leaving, the butcher, who has been watching, says, "Hey lady -- could you pass that test?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 30, 2012, 08:28:08 AM
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on November 30, 2012, 08:35:01 AM
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Merrymommy on December 03, 2012, 06:08:51 PM
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-zKAIQWx0AR2N0xK24Tpe-GuS3HhyZGAHOaFwgD1My5t6Bs1nCQ)

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSkTVqkNPhFQ166G0rd-v8KH3IhKenjk2lIJ-Yuuoe_2E9qcMdX)

Not technically "Jokes" per se...but might prompt a smile or snort anyway?

 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Merrymommy on December 03, 2012, 06:22:57 PM
(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRpyVUpEImbFhWyFfYAei_fagQ2xjeruNzBtVs598AE_d6d2N_YzA)

The Hanukkah Song Lyrics – Part I (Original 1994 Version)

Intro: There's a lot of Christmas songs out there, but not too many about Hanukkah, so I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Hanukkah songs. Here we go…

Put on your yarmulka, it's time for Hanukkah
Its so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah,

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights,
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

But when you're the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, here’s a list of
people who are Jewish, just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorah,
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli,
Bowzer from Sha-na-na, and Arthur Fonzerrelli.

Paul Newman's half Jewish; Goldie Hawn's half too,
Put them together--what a fine lookin’ Jew! [Esus]

You don’t need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
Cause you can spin a driedel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock - both Jewish! [Esus]

Put on your yalmulka, its time for Hanukkah,
The owner of the Seattle Super sonic-ah celebrates Hanukkah.

O.J. Simpson - not a Jew!
But guess who is...Hall of Famer Rod Carew (he converted!)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby,
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish - not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebeneezer Scrooge is,
Well, he’s not, but guess who is: All three stooges. [Esus]

So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is. [Esus]

Tell your friend Veronica, its time to celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah,
If you really, really wanna-kah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happy
Hanukkah… HAPPY HANUKKAH!
The Hanukkah Song Lyrics – Part II (1999)

Put on your Yarmulka
Its time for Hanukkah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Hanukkah

Hanukkah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Hanukkah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulka
Its time for Hanukkah
Two-time Oscar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
Celebrates Hanukkah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
But now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah*

So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Hanukkah!

* When transliterated into English, Hanukkah can also be spelled “Chanukkah” (or Chanukah), among other variations. Sandler references the “Ch” version in this song.
The Hanukkah Song Lyrics – Part III (2002)

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Hanukkah
Once again it's onaka
The miracle of Hanukkah

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights
One day of presents?
Hell, no, we get Eight Crazy Nights

But if you fell like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
I guess my first two songs didn't do it for you
So here comes number three

Ross and Pheobe from friends say the Hanukkah blessing
So does Lenny's pall Squiggy and Will and Grace's Debra Messing
Melissa Gilbert and Michael London never mix meat with dairy
Maybe they shoulda called that show Little Kosher House on the Prairie?

We’ve got Jerry Lewis, Ben Stiller and Jack Black
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism but you guys can have him back
We may not get to kiss underneath the mistletoe
But we can do it all night long with Deuce Bigelow

I'm Jewish
Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah
The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmoniaca celebrates Hanukkah

Osama Bin Laden - not a big fan of the Jews
Well maybe that 's because he lost a figure-skating match to gold medalist Sarah Hughes (Her mama's Jewish)

Houdini and David Blaine escape strait jackets with such precision
But the one thing they could not get out of: their painful circumcision

Gwyneth Paltrow's half-Jewish but a full-time Oscar winner
Jennifer Connelly’s half Jewish, too, and I'd like to put some more in her

There's Lou Reed, Perry Farrell, Beck and Paula Abdul
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music, but first came Hebrew school

Hey, Natalie Portmanika?
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah!

I hope you get an abtronika
On this joyful, toyful Hanukkah

So get a high colonika
And soil your long Johnikas

If you really, really wannaka?
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy,...
Happy Hanukkah!

 :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 03, 2012, 06:24:18 PM
so if we are doing LOLs  --

"can't stay mad at that face..."
(http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/3/6/8713d562-4a01-46e7-a627-662c28e3afb2.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on December 05, 2012, 04:10:55 PM
Tom gets a job as a short order cook in a small diner where he has but one assistant. A small boy comes in and orders a hambuger. Tom asks his assistant for a hamburger patty. His assitant grabs a wad of ground beef, shappes it into a ball and sticks it in his armpit. He smashes it flat with his arm and hands it to Tom.

Tom remarks, "That's disgusting. It's completely unsanitary. What have you got to say for yourself."

His assistant replies with a knowing smirk, "Wait until you see how we make our donuts!"  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 06, 2012, 06:57:53 AM
Awww. LOL!
----------

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock"!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 12, 2012, 07:37:35 AM
All day long Bob had been feeling guilty. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't forget.

The guilt and sense of betrayal overwhelmed him. Every once in a while though he could hear a quiet inner voice reassuring him, "Bob, don't worry about it. You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you certainly won't be the last. She had such nice hair and she was very good looking.”

Then, invariably though, another voice would bring him back to reality, "Bob, you are a `veterinarian."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 12, 2012, 07:38:47 AM
and in the same vein...

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are you?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bartender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, who are keenly watching the newcomer, “It’s okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 12, 2012, 08:16:45 AM
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy agreed and after about six weeks he came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Title: The Five Dollar Date - the pure insane genius of Sid Caesar
Post by: bubba on December 12, 2012, 09:17:52 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZR7yj-7SU8
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on December 13, 2012, 02:58:17 AM
and in the same vein...

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are you?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bartender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, who are keenly watching the newcomer, “It’s okay, boys! He's one of us!"

 ;D Very good, Bubba. I liked the other as well.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on December 19, 2012, 06:15:25 AM
A guy walks into the golf shop, and says to the Pro:

'I'm taking up golf.  Sell me the best set of clubs you have'.

So, the Pro sorts him out with a set of clubs, and the guy says

'I'll take a ball, too'.

So the Pro sells him a ball.

Six months later, the guy comes back, with the clubs.  They're in a terrible state - bent, scuffed, generally worn out.

'I need a new set of clubs', he says.

So the Pro sells him a new set.  'Would you like a new ball, as well?' he asks.

'No', says the guy.

'I haven't hit the first one, yet'.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on December 19, 2012, 07:24:50 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yj3mKNQ0A4
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on December 19, 2012, 07:30:58 AM
'Oh, ha ha ha ha!  Mum's gonna kill him when she finds out he tore up her letter!'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 21, 2012, 06:54:13 PM
Jazz, that was hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing!  ;D And always good to see you, Bill!


A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.

"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."



Title: Re: The Five Dollar Date - the pure insane genius of Sid Caesar
Post by: intermission on December 23, 2012, 08:13:03 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZR7yj-7SU8


Budda, I just watched your YouTube and it's a hoot! They don't make comedians like that anymore!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on December 27, 2012, 08:28:10 AM
An elderly woman goes into a local newspaper office to place an obitury for her recently deceased husband. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects, and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry, Ma'am, there is a seven-word minimum on obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died; 1983 pickup for sale.'"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 27, 2012, 04:22:07 PM
Ha Ha! Good one!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 28, 2012, 08:38:07 AM
Objects (Are they male or female?)

Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.

Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Hammer - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.

Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 28, 2012, 08:50:30 AM
Cowboy In A Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on December 28, 2012, 10:54:07 AM
 ;D Bubba, your jokes invoked belly laughs repeatedly throughout the individual stories. Well done.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 28, 2012, 12:13:03 PM
Ditto, Jazz! Bubba, you are in rare form, girl! It's all too funny!  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on December 28, 2012, 04:45:13 PM
Mish, Bubba, you guys must still be high from Xmas. Those are really funny.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 28, 2012, 06:23:43 PM
Painters Eye
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 28, 2012, 10:34:11 PM
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-zKAIQWx0AR2N0xK24Tpe-GuS3HhyZGAHOaFwgD1My5t6Bs1nCQ)

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSkTVqkNPhFQ166G0rd-v8KH3IhKenjk2lIJ-Yuuoe_2E9qcMdX)

Not technically "Jokes" per se...but might prompt a smile or snort anyway?

 8)



Merrymommy, I don't know how I missed your great funnies, but thanks for the chuckles! Loved "The Hanukkah Song Lyrics" as well. Welcome! 

And too funny as always, Bubba!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 30, 2012, 07:02:57 AM
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 30, 2012, 07:14:05 AM
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 30, 2012, 08:45:37 AM
A guy goes into a drugstore where his friend is the pharmacist. He says, " I have a date tonight with THREE hot stewardesses. I need something to help me out, stamina-wise, if you know what I mean." 

The druggist brings out a bottle of pills and says, "Well, these are very strong - I will give you one, that should do the trick". Just then the phone rings and the pharmacist turns to answer it. When he turns back, he is horrified to see his friend has swallowed ALL the pills.

 "You shouldn't have done that...." he stammers. "Don't worry about it," replies the friend. "Those girls and I are gonna have a great time."


Next day the friend comes back in the store, dragging himself in and goes to the back. "Oh my god," he says, "my poor pecker has never been in such bad shape." And he shows it to the pharmacist - it is all black and blue, and looks like it has been through hell.

 "I need something right now," says the friend, and reaches for a tube of Ben-Gay.

 "You're not gonna put that on your penis!" says the pharmacist.

 "No, it's for my arm - those girls never showed up."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 30, 2012, 11:31:29 AM
LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on December 30, 2012, 04:01:51 PM
Mish and Bubba, you guys are really rockin. Those jokes are awesome.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 30, 2012, 08:21:14 PM
Thanks, V!  :)


A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Mel Brooks on December 30, 2012, 09:41:25 PM
Sadie, a recent widow returns home with the ashes of her recently deceased husband.

She pours the ashes in a pile on the coffee table and says :

Morris, remember the fur coat you refused to buy me ? I'm wearing it.

Morris, remember the pearls you refused to buy me ? I'm wearing them.

Morris, remember the BJ I refused to give you ?

WHOOSE !

Now we both got what we wanted.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on December 31, 2012, 06:55:47 AM
A doctor was performing a checkup on an esteemed army general. At one point during the exam the doctor said, "If you don't mind my asking, sir, when was the last time you had sex?"
"Of course, I understand medical reasons and all that," the general answered. "I would say approximately 2000."
"So, you've been inactive for quite some time."
"You think so?" The general checked his watch. "It's only 2140 now."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on December 31, 2012, 08:01:21 AM
Welcome to jokes, Mel! You and Jazz cracked me up!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on January 01, 2013, 12:32:32 PM
A lawyer was having an affair with his secretary. Before long, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know that the baby is born?" she asked.

"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. Six months later the lawyer's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The lawyer said, "don't worry, I'll explain it when I get home."

Later that evening the lawyer came home, read the postcard and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital. One medic stayed behind to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the postcard and read:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, one without."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 02, 2013, 09:51:32 AM
HA, ha, ha! Good one!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 03, 2013, 04:38:51 PM
You guys are cracking me up!  ;D Welcome Jazz. Your joke was awesome.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 06, 2013, 06:39:59 PM
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be, ah, castrated."

"What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word I meant!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 08, 2013, 03:22:01 AM
OMG, Mish. That's hilarious. I can't wait to share it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 09, 2013, 03:05:34 AM
Q. What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

A. Snowballs.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 09, 2013, 07:24:43 AM
Ha, ha, ha!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 09, 2013, 02:14:08 PM
A guy walks into the doctor's office with a banana stuck in one ear, a carrot in the other and two string beans up his nose. He says, "Doc, what is wrong with me?"

Doctor replies, "Well, to start with, you're not eating right...".




Guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

Doctor looks at him, and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 09, 2013, 07:10:18 PM
Crack-in' Up, girl!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on January 10, 2013, 07:58:44 AM
Doctor looks at him, and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Ah -- the effect of one little apostrophe!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 10, 2013, 05:55:27 PM
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 11, 2013, 02:43:53 AM
That's very funny Mish!  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 11, 2013, 09:45:44 AM
Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea. “Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it” so Paddy hangs him over the side.

 All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick” . Paddy asks “why Murphy, have you caught a fish?”

 “no Paddy” Murphy replies “there’s a train coming.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 12, 2013, 03:19:51 AM
That's hilarious bubba. I can't wait to share it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 12, 2013, 05:55:30 PM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But it was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 13, 2013, 03:09:24 AM
Mish, that's awesome.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on January 13, 2013, 09:58:56 PM
I vote for "Loons and Moons"  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 15, 2013, 03:14:40 PM
That's definitely one of my top faves too, Lost Lady.  :) 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 18, 2013, 03:19:19 PM
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 18, 2013, 04:23:11 PM
Good one Mish!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 19, 2013, 09:20:08 AM
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on January 19, 2013, 09:44:35 AM

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.

 ;D

This is the key sentence.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 19, 2013, 04:17:54 PM
Funny though. I can't wait to share it. ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 19, 2013, 07:25:01 PM
Good one and really different, bubba!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 20, 2013, 09:00:22 AM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some ammo loads for an upcoming hunt.


His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.


Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.


She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"


”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"






”I wasn't.“
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 20, 2013, 09:23:36 PM
Ooo, that's scary  :D


Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot anymore either."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 21, 2013, 04:22:08 PM
LOL Mish. That is funny.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on January 23, 2013, 05:28:25 AM
Two middle-aged women were sitting at a bar, having their third round. One says to the other, "look across the bar over there, that's us in ten years." The other one says, "that's us, honey, you're looking in a mirror.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 23, 2013, 09:17:39 AM
Ha, ha! Funny jazz!  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on January 23, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Every time I look in the mirror I wonder who the old geezer is.  I don't feel that old.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 24, 2013, 08:54:34 AM
3 nuns, two sisters and a Mother Superior, are killed in a bus crash and go to Heaven together.

St. Peter meets them at the gate and says, "Now, I know you have all led saintly lives, but we just have a formality here - a little test - you have to answer one question before you get into Heaven."

He asks the first sister, "Who was the first man?"

She answers, "Adam".

"Welcome to Heaven, come right in".

He asks the second sister, "Who was the first woman?"

She answers, "Eve."

"Welcome to Heaven, come right in".

Finally it is Mother Superior's turn. St. Peter asks, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

She blurts out, "Ooooh, that's a hard one!"

"Welcome to Heaven, come right in".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 25, 2013, 04:33:13 PM
LOL! Too funny, Bubba!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on January 28, 2013, 05:15:44 PM
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on January 31, 2013, 07:22:16 AM
(http://i1307.photobucket.com/albums/s595/RomyBritell/tumblr_m7otx61czV1qbxzvpo1_500_zpsf4e1f847.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on February 03, 2013, 12:35:29 PM
Ha, ha!!


An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 03, 2013, 03:38:58 PM
LOL Mish. That's so funny. I can't wait to share it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 03, 2013, 06:30:22 PM
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.  "Guido,I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."

" But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You listen to me, some day you gonna be running da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambino, some day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 04, 2013, 04:15:12 PM
That's very funny bubba. You Italian accent is quite authentic.  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 05, 2013, 08:41:01 AM
thanks, I am half Italian and half Irish. And now a joke from the other half.


Mary Flynn and the Catholic priest meet one day on a lane in Ireland.

"I haven't seen you in church, Mary, is everything all right?"

"Well, no, Father, me husband passed away two weeks ago."

"Oh, I am so sorry, Mary, was it sudden?"

"Yes, Father, very sudden."

"Did he at least have any last words?"

"That he did, Father."

"What did he say, then?"

"For the love of God, Mary, put down the gun!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on February 05, 2013, 08:21:26 PM
LOL

I've heard my DH say that.  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 06, 2013, 02:42:51 AM
Very funny, Bubba. I never heard that one.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 06, 2013, 07:53:46 AM
Here's another.


Three men show up at Bridget's house one afternoon. They explain to her, "We used to work with your husband Paddy down at the Guinness brewery."

"What do you mean, used to? Did something happen to him?"

"well  yes, I am sorry to say he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."

"Holy Mother of God, how awful. At least please tell me it was mercifully quick."

"Yes, although he did get out 3 times to pee."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 06, 2013, 04:20:44 PM
 ;D Bubba, you're on a hot streak. Please keep 'em coming.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on February 10, 2013, 06:36:55 AM
A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."

The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.

Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- None of us can get the top off that bottle!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on February 10, 2013, 06:53:17 AM
Mish --  ;D

Q: How does a jazz musician make 2 million dollars?
A: Give him 4 million.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 11, 2013, 04:09:44 PM
Jazz that's sooo true.  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 15, 2013, 12:17:10 PM
A preacher in church one day states, "Sex is over-rated. Too many people spend too much time thinking about sex. We would be much happier with less of it."

To make his point he asks the congregation to stand. They all stand up.

"Now, every one who has sex at least once a week, please sit down." About half the people sit down.

"Once a month or so, sit down." Most of the rest sit down.

"Once every six months or so." Every one sits down except one man.

"Now, tell us, sir, how often you have sex."

"Once a year," the man replies with a big grin.

"Look how happy this man is - please tell us why you are so happy."

"Tonight's the night!!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on February 16, 2013, 06:11:52 PM
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''

''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied.

''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?''

''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 16, 2013, 07:28:22 PM
Okay, I hate this joke, but it is funny.

Monday afternoon, a girl gets off from work, walks into a bar and orders 10 martinis.

The bartender lines up 10 martinis in front of her. She downs them quickly and passes out.

A couple of guys notice, pick her up, take her into the alley in back and gang bang her.


Next day, Tuesday, same girl, same bar, 10 martinis and she passes out.

Same guys, same scenario, they gang bang her in the alley in back.


This happens twice more, Wednesday and Thursday.


On Friday, the girl goes into the bar and orders 10 Manhattans.

The bartender says, "I thought you drank martinis???"

Not any more, she says, martinis make my pussy hurt!


k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 16, 2013, 07:44:15 PM
Bill has started something  :D

There was a lady whose triplets begat
Nat, Pat and little Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

Reminds me of a joke from Garrison Keillor a few years ago. Not a Limerick, but told in a sing-song style:

When God created woman,
She had not two breasts but three,
The middle one got in the way,
So God did surgery.
Afterwards Eve sat with the middle breast in her hand…
She said what can you do with a useless boob,
So God created man!


k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 16, 2013, 08:03:52 PM
There were three men at a brothel. One man was entering the establishment. One was inside and the third was leaving. Based on this information, what were the nationalities of the three men?

The man entering the brothel was Russian.

The man inside the brothel was Himalayan.

And the man leaving the brothel was Finnish.  ;D

Ignoring the fact that Himalayan is not a nationality, I heard a slightly different version:


There were four men at a brothel.
One man was entering the establishment.
One was inside and the third was leaving.
The fourth man was in his car with the engine idling.

Based on this information, what were the nationalities of the four men?

The man entering the brothel was Russian.

The man inside the brothel was Himalayan.

The man leaving the brothel was Finnish.

And the man in the car was a Polock waiting for the red light to change.



k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on February 16, 2013, 08:08:27 PM
Quote from: intermission on November 25, 2012, 12:29:04 AM
Bill has started something 

There was a lady whose triplets begat
Nat, Pat and little Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.


K-g replied: Reminds me of a joke from Garrison Keillor a few years ago. Not a Limerick, but told in a sing-song style:

When God created woman,
She had not two breasts but three,
The middle one got in the way,
So God did surgery.
Afterwards Eve sat with the middle breast in her hand…
She said what can you do with a useless boob,
So God created man!



K-g, so glad that drudging up that old limerick inspired such a funny diddy. And your martini joke above is hysterically insane! ;D  Love it - keep em coming when time allows!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 17, 2013, 04:18:58 PM
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''

''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied.

''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?''

''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

LOL. Mish that is too funny. I can't wait to share it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on February 19, 2013, 06:43:54 PM
Thanks, V!  :D


Q: What did the back-woords farmer say when she saw his first box Cheerios?

A: "Wow! Doughnut seeds!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 07, 2013, 09:11:38 AM
Geez, c'mon guys, let's keep it going.

 Luigi was a young man who lived in a small village in Italy and he was not well. He had no appetite and couldn't keep anything down.
 He went to the village Doctor who told him, "Luigi, what you need is mother's milk."

 "I'm-a 25 years old, where am I gonna get-a mother's milk at my age?"

 "You go down to the end of the village and see Maria, she's a widow but she just had a baby and she has plenty of milk. I'll tell her about you and you go see her tonight."

Later on that evening, Luigi shows up at Maria's house. She welcomes him in and he starts nursing. It's fantastic, it tastes good and is not upsetting him at all.

 Maria seems to be enjoying it too. She squirms and moans a little, finally asks him, "Luigi, while you are here, is there maybe something else you might like?"

 Luigi answers, "Yeah - you got any cookies?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on March 15, 2013, 05:26:47 PM
Two Irish guys leave a bar before closing.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on March 16, 2013, 02:52:21 AM
Jazz that's the shortest Irish joke I've ever heard.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on March 16, 2013, 07:05:49 AM
(http://i1307.photobucket.com/albums/s595/RomyBritell/68a1e01820ba7740064e20105e77dbb0jpg_zps58749704.gif)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on March 16, 2013, 07:09:26 AM
Mrs Bill loves David Tennant.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 22, 2013, 04:47:31 PM
Two condoms are walking by a gay bar - one says to the other, "Do you want to go in and get shit-faced?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on March 27, 2013, 02:50:11 AM
A long time ago, a native American boy had a question to ask the chief of his tribe. He went to the chief's teepee and and asked the chief if he could ask him an important question. Seeing concern etched on the young boy's face, the old chief welcomed him to sit down and ask his question.

The boy said, " Chief Running Wolf, how do we get our names?" The wise old chief nodded and smiled. "I can see you have given this matter a lot of thought so I will tell you how we receive our names. As soon as a squaw gives birth to a new baby, the child's father leaves the birthing tent. The first thing his eyes see outside, will become the name of his newborn child. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 01, 2013, 11:13:43 AM
ROFL!!! That's toooo funny, V!!!  ;D  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 02, 2013, 03:36:41 PM
ROFL!!! That's toooo funny, V!!!  ;D  :D

Thanks, Mish. ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 15, 2013, 12:14:23 PM
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. He knew that the Joe-kster lived in British Columbia, but that wasn’t what the lady was referring to. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply...]

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 17, 2013, 02:39:24 AM
Oh, Bubba that is awesome. I've been missing your jokes.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 17, 2013, 07:53:58 AM
In the same vein... The Gloves and the Panties

 A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.

Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great.

I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,

P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 17, 2013, 05:19:05 PM
Both are truly funny and cracked me up, bubba!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 21, 2013, 03:29:22 PM
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
 
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws him out on the street, then he throws the dog out next. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. "Geez. Should I had said DiMaggio?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 22, 2013, 02:18:05 AM
That's cute, Mish.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 22, 2013, 11:30:00 PM
Thanks. V! Good to see the jokes pick up again.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 24, 2013, 06:43:23 AM
Here is an observation of mine:

Q: What is the shortest fraction of time ever recorded?
A: The time between when the UPS man rings your doorbell and starts his truck.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 24, 2013, 02:49:36 PM
Ha! So true  :D Miss ya, Jaz, and so do the E games  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 24, 2013, 05:31:35 PM
you guys must live in the big city, we have very friendly UPS guys here. They always take the time to chat.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 25, 2013, 08:41:49 AM
Actually the UPS time joke was one modified from an old Johnny Carson joke, which is this:

Q: What is the shortest fraction of time ever recorded?
A: The time between when the light turns green and the guy behind you blows his horn.

There are probably endless variations of this joke which you can pick up by daily observations.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on April 25, 2013, 05:22:00 PM
Glad to see the joke thread getting used. I look everyday and it has been awhile. Need my daily medicine.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 26, 2013, 02:33:21 AM
Here is an observation of mine:

Q: What is the shortest fraction of time ever recorded?
A: The time between when the UPS man rings your doorbell and starts his truck.

I can think of a shorter fraction of time recorded as can most of the WOMEN on this board.  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 26, 2013, 06:28:56 AM

I can think of a shorter fraction of time recorded as can most of the WOMEN on this board.  ;)

 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 26, 2013, 07:23:56 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 26, 2013, 07:38:56 PM
A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BBs from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a bb!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some bbs into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a bb. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a bb. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 27, 2013, 02:51:02 AM
Lol, Mish those are both so funny. I can't wait to share them.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 27, 2013, 06:52:53 AM
Two gems, mish.

Q: What's the difference between the war in Iraq and the war in Vietnam?
A: Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 27, 2013, 07:53:16 AM
A woman is at the doctor's and he remarks that she is looking glum. She says, "My marriage is awful - I hate my husband. Every day instead of meatloaf I feed him dog food and he doesn't even notice. It makes me feel a little better to get revenge on him."
 Doctor says, "You shouldn't do that - dog food could have very grave consequences if a human eats a lot of it."

She says, "I don't care what happens to him."

A few weeks later the doc sees her husbands obit in the paper and calls her up. "I told you he would get sick eating that dog food".

"No, Doc, he didn't get sick - he was sitting on the couch licking his balls and fell off and broke his neck."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 27, 2013, 05:20:48 PM
Thanks V and Jazz! Too Funny, Jazz and bubba!! :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 27, 2013, 05:36:02 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen.   Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 27, 2013, 05:43:44 PM
A retired engineer buys a farm in the country and decides to grow corn. He plants 12 rows, 12 stalks in each row.Nice and square. Soon each stalk has a small ear of corn on it.

One Friday he hears that a frost is coming. He asks his neighbor what he can do to protect his corn.The neighbor wants to have some fun with him, so he says, "Just put a condom over each ear." The engineer runs down to the pharmacy and asks the druggist for a gross of condoms - 12 dozen. He goes home and puts one on each ear, but finds he is missing two from the last box.

Monday morning he goes back to the druggist and says, "I bought a gross of condoms last Friday and I was two short - there were only 142."

The druggist says, ..............




"gee, I hope it didn't ruin your weekend..."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on April 27, 2013, 08:53:59 PM
LMAO, thanks everyone. I needed a bigger dose today!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 28, 2013, 02:51:44 AM
You guys are totally cracking me up this morning!!!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 28, 2013, 05:59:29 PM
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 29, 2013, 07:16:50 PM
So a lady walks into a bar on the 20th floor of a building. She starts drinking and a man walks up to her and says, "Do you want to see me fly?" She thinks, "What a creep," and ignores him. So a few hours pass and no one has talked to her, so she goes back to the guy and says "Ok, lets see you fly." So he takes out a flask, drinks, jumps out the window and starts flying. When he come back, she says "Wow, do that again!" So he takes a swig from the flask and flys again. When he comes back she asked "I wanna try," and she takes a swig, jumps out of the window, and falls 20 storys to her death. Then the bar tender looks at the man and says "You know, superman, you're a real asshole when you do that."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 30, 2013, 02:09:11 AM
Lol, Mish. That's cute.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 30, 2013, 08:18:26 AM
Superman is flying around one day and sees Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a tall building, with her legs spread. He has always fancied her, so using his "Faster than a speeding bullet" superpower, he swoops in, bang bang bang - has his way with her and speeds off.

Wonder Woman shakes her head and says "What was that?"

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on April 30, 2013, 06:07:37 PM
Ha! That is sooo funny, budda  ;D



A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight.

The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, The boy says,"Hello, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" So she comes down and leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says,"Hello I'm eddy I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" And so they leave together. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,"Hello, my name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 30, 2013, 07:32:31 PM
"Hello, my name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him!

There once was a man from Nantucket...
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 01, 2013, 02:41:27 AM
Those were funny guys.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 01, 2013, 12:07:04 PM
did I post the one about the camel? can't remember.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 01, 2013, 07:06:50 PM
Not sure.


Two friends who were playing golf on a fine morning saw a funeral procession passing by. One of the friends who was about to hit the ball, stopped mid-way, took off the cap and bowed down. The other friend was overwhelmed by this gesture and said to him, "You are kind and truly a gentleman. I have never seen such a thoughtful person. The friend replied, "Yes, I was married to her for 35 years."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 02, 2013, 02:25:01 AM
Good one, Mish. I love golfing jokes.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 02, 2013, 02:32:04 PM
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 02, 2013, 02:57:22 PM
Flash From the Past - This is the 1st joke I told on this thread and it's still one of my faves, so I thought I'd revive it for the new folks:



Two sisters, one a little scatterbrained and one smart, inherit the family ranch and are soon threatened repossion by the bank. To make money, they decided to spend their last $600 to purchase a bull for breeding.
 
Upon leaving, the smart one tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
She arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides to buy it.  But it cost $599, no less.
   
After paying him, she went to the telegraph office and said, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, she only had $1 left for one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she said, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
 
She explains, 'My sister's is a little scatterbrained. The word is big.
   
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 02, 2013, 04:25:27 PM
OK, here is the camel joke.

A guy joins the French Foreign Legion and is posted to the desert in North Africa. Many miles from the nearest town. After being there a while, he asks a fellow soldier, "What do you guys do when you feel a little horny and want to get some action?"

 Reply - "We use the camel."

He is horrified by this. But after a few more weeks, he is desperate, so one night, he takes the camel behind the tent and starts shtupping it. His fellow soldier comes upon this scene and says, "Oh no, we use the camel to ride into town!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 04, 2013, 05:17:40 PM
A housewife is home alone when the exterminator comes to the door for the monthly spraying. They get to talking, she is feeling lonely, and before you know it they are naked upstairs in bed.

 The woman hears a car pull in to the drive and says "My husband is home - quick, get in to the closet." And he does. The husband comes in, "OK, what are you doing in bed naked? Where is he?''

"Nothing, dear, I am by myself."

Husband looks all over the room, under the bed and finally opens the closet door.

"What are you doing in here?"

"I'm the exterminator, I am treating your moth problem."

"Oh yeah, where are your clothes?"


Man looks down at himself...
"....those little bastards...."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 05, 2013, 02:57:41 AM
Jeez, Bubba that's a good one. I can't wait to share it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 05, 2013, 04:37:39 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,

    - Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 
    - Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 
    - Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
 
    - Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
 
    - Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. 

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 06, 2013, 04:19:05 PM
Oh mish LOL  ;D.  I can't wait to share this one too. The punch line was so unexpected I roared.  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 08, 2013, 01:18:04 AM
Thanks, V! I roared when I first heard it too  ;D
---------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 08, 2013, 01:20:15 AM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 10, 2013, 02:56:47 AM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 14, 2013, 05:25:59 PM
Since our game buddy, Vienard, is down with the flu, I'm leaving a joke to lift her spirits upon her return, since she loves a good chuckle:


I overheard a man rant, "I will not talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes. I am lack toes intolerant."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 14, 2013, 05:58:06 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his goddamn widow."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 15, 2013, 09:25:39 AM
LOL! That is soooo good, bubba! I've got to credit you for one my favorite unknown cleches too--the one about life is like an onion. So poetic.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 15, 2013, 06:02:19 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 21, 2013, 10:28:22 AM
Since our game buddy, Vienard, is down with the flu, I'm leaving a joke to lift her spirits upon her return, since she loves a good chuckle:


I overheard a man rant, "I will not talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes. I am lack toes intolerant."

Oh thanks Mish. I've missed the humor of you and everyone on this board. :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 21, 2013, 11:01:20 PM
Happy to inspire a smile. I'm just glad that readers/contributors like you and Lost Lady let it be known how much our little jokes are valued.  :-*
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 21, 2013, 11:11:03 PM
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 21, 2013, 11:19:47 PM
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow. "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment. "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."


(think about it  ;D)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 21, 2013, 11:31:17 PM
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 22, 2013, 07:15:06 AM
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.

I have heard this before but this version is the best!!

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on May 22, 2013, 07:20:19 AM
LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.

Well, I'm going down to the beach.   ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 22, 2013, 07:28:32 AM
back to the pearly gates...




At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 08:22:30 AM
Wow, guys. I feel like I woke up to a party! Thanks Lost lady for your kindness and getting it started  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 08:24:20 AM
LOL! Bubba, your joke is the bomb and I will be passing it on!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 08:26:03 AM
LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.

Well, I'm going down to the beach.   ;D


Thanks for letting me know, Bill, 'cause I'm nowhere near 80  :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on May 22, 2013, 08:32:01 AM
LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.

Well, I'm going down to the beach.   ;D


Thanks for letting me know, Bill, 'cause I'm nowhere near 80  :P

To tie in with another recent joke.....my wife tells me where and when to stand.........
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 08:39:59 AM
Gee, Bill, that's a buzz kill  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 22, 2013, 01:40:27 PM
more on the phallic trend...

A man decides to get his girlfriend's name tattooed onto his penis. He goes to the tattoo parlor and gets "Wendy" tattooed. However, when limp, you could only see "WEY". The next week ,the man walks into the public restroom and see a very large black man at the urinal. Glancing down, he see that the black man has a tattoo on his penis that reads "WEY".

"Oh, you have a girlfriend named Wendy, too?" asks the man as he points to his tattooed penis.

"No," says the black man, "it says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 22, 2013, 03:32:07 PM

A man decides to get his girlfriend's name tattooed onto his penis. He goes to the tattoo parlor and gets "Wendy" tattooed. However, when limp, you could only see "WEY". The next week ,the man walks into the public restroom and see a very large black man at the urinal. Glancing down, he see that the black man has a tattoo on his penis that reads "WEY".

"Oh, you have a girlfriend named Wendy, too?" asks the man as he points to his tattooed penis.

"No," says the black man, "it says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".

OMG! It took me a minute to figure it out!

I hope I can remember that tomorrow when I'll be meeting up with a man (whom I don't much like) who is very proud of Mr. Happy.

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 22, 2013, 04:15:35 PM
LOL! I have to pass this on to all the old gals in my life. They'll love it.

Well, I'm going down to the beach.   ;D

Be sure to post before and after tanning pics.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 22, 2013, 04:17:17 PM
back to the pearly gates...




At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

My DH said he knows how they all feel.  ::)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 22, 2013, 04:19:08 PM
Wow, guys. I feel like I woke up to a party! Thanks Lost lady for your kindness and getting it started  :D

You're welcome. But I was being totally selfish. I check everyday for something to make me laugh.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 22, 2013, 04:20:46 PM
more on the phallic trend...

A man decides to get his girlfriend's name tattooed onto his penis. He goes to the tattoo parlor and gets "Wendy" tattooed. However, when limp, you could only see "WEY". The next week ,the man walks into the public restroom and see a very large black man at the urinal. Glancing down, he see that the black man has a tattoo on his penis that reads "WEY".

"Oh, you have a girlfriend named Wendy, too?" asks the man as he points to his tattooed penis.

"No," says the black man, "it says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".

Man, I am so heading to Jamaica!  ::)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 07:55:37 PM
Bubba, that's Hilarious! You are certainly on a roll  :-*
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 22, 2013, 09:34:20 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

  - Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast with fresh squeezed juices. 

  - Be pleasant and look desirable at all times.

  - For lunch, be creative and make him a variety of nutritious meal. 

  - For dinner, set lovely tables with fresh-cut flowers and prepare his favorite dishes
    and desserts. 

  - Don't burden him with chores. 

  - Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.   

  - No nagging. 

  - And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. 

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year," the doc continued, "I think your husband will regain his health completely."
 
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die,"  she replied.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 23, 2013, 04:36:23 PM
“He said you're going to die,"  she replied.

LOL, smart woman!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 23, 2013, 08:32:38 PM
That list had me squirming, LL :D



A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on May 24, 2013, 10:23:45 AM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

  - Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast with fresh squeezed juices. 

  - Be pleasant and look desirable at all times.

  - For lunch, be creative and make him a variety of nutritious meal. 

  - For dinner, set lovely tables with fresh-cut flowers and prepare his favorite dishes
    and desserts. 

  - Don't burden him with chores. 

  - Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.   

  - No nagging. 

  - And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. 

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year," the doc continued, "I think your husband will regain his health completely."
 
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die,"  she replied.


Very funny Mish.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 24, 2013, 11:26:11 AM
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth
that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.. And I own them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that
casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's
worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would........ if I had a pussy."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 24, 2013, 12:37:47 PM
Ewwww, Bubba!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 24, 2013, 10:31:33 PM

Jim was walking across a bridge one day and saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So Jim ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for!" Jim replied.

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious?"

He said yes.

Jim said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?

"Protestant."

"Me too!" said Jim. "Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

"Me too!" Jim confirmed excitedly. "Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

Jim hoofed, "Die, you heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 25, 2013, 01:04:38 AM
I was wondering if that was a real denomination/sect, so I Googled "Reformed Baptist Church of God".

1.8 million hits, all of which appear to be this same joke!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on May 25, 2013, 01:43:51 PM
Good looking out, k-g. We almost had an interesting bit of trivia  ;) Who knew that joke was so popular.



Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 15, 2013, 12:18:09 AM
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

 

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

 

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

 

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

 

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 15, 2013, 02:30:38 AM
That was very funny, Mish. I can't wait to share it. ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 15, 2013, 03:54:14 PM
Thanks, sweety pie  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 18, 2013, 10:20:31 PM

There's this company that makes a shampoo called
"Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific." I hope they don't
start making feminine hygiene products.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 18, 2013, 11:29:40 PM

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a
man having a good time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that can
bleed for five days and not die?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 19, 2013, 05:51:52 AM

There's this company that makes a shampoo called
"Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific." I hope they don't
start making feminine hygiene products.

That sounds like a George Carlin observation.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 19, 2013, 10:34:34 AM

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a
man having a good time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that can
bleed for five days and not die?


Heehee,  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 20, 2013, 10:09:38 AM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband
is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.

Boy: Dark in here..
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad’s outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your
glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” 
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to
church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”   
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 20, 2013, 10:21:53 AM
I guess it's the "dark in here" that recalled this joke from my teens:


There was a contest for the largest pussy.

The judges were going from contestant to contestant to see who had the largest pussy.

Contestant #1: The judge could fit two fingers in her. Hardly a world class pussy.

Contestant #2: The judge could fit his whole fist in her pussy. Meh.

Contestant #3: He stuck his head inside and looked around. Better, perhaps, but let's check the rest.

Contestant #4: The judge walked in her pussy and worked his way back. He stumbled and bumped into someone, and said "help me find my way out of here." The other guy said, "Heck, help me find my keys and we can drive out!"


Ba-da-bum.

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on June 20, 2013, 10:24:48 AM
OK.  I can do downmarket, too.

Bride to groom on wedding night: 'I didn't know your organ was so small'.

Groom: 'I didn't know I'd be playing in a cathedral'.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 20, 2013, 10:27:54 AM
Took me a minute to put it together, but that makes it all the funnier when you "get it!"

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 20, 2013, 06:19:03 PM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband
is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.

Boy: Dark in here..
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad’s outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your
glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” 
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to
church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”   
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Husband's favorite joke, but his punch line is, Don't start that shit, you're in MY closet now.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 20, 2013, 08:06:18 PM
I like that punchline too, Bubba  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 20, 2013, 08:10:57 PM

There's this company that makes a shampoo called
"Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific." I hope they don't
start making feminine hygiene products.

That sounds like a George Carlin observation.


That's Carlin's style of wit for sure. Actually, it's from Elaine Boosler's cable special "Party of One."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 20, 2013, 08:14:50 PM
I guess it's the "dark in here" that recalled this joke from my teens:


There was a contest for the largest pussy.

The judges were going from contestant to contestant to see who had the largest pussy.

Contestant #1: The judge could fit two fingers in her. Hardly a world class pussy.

Contestant #2: The judge could fit his whole fist in her pussy. Meh.

Contestant #3: He stuck his head inside and looked around. Better, perhaps, but let's check the rest.

Contestant #4: The judge walked in her pussy and worked his way back. He stumbled and bumped into someone, and said "help me find my way out of here." The other guy said, "Heck, help me find my keys and we can drive out!"


Ba-da-bum.

k-g


OMG, I died! ;D  You and Bill were on a roll today and I love it!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 20, 2013, 08:24:58 PM
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant  my potato garden this year.


I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.

Love, Dad


Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

“For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!”   

At  4a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.



His son’s reply was: “Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you from here .”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 20, 2013, 08:33:42 PM
Ha! Ingenious son!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 21, 2013, 07:51:25 AM
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Bill on June 21, 2013, 07:55:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 21, 2013, 03:24:45 PM
Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer. The lawyer tells him, "Mickey, I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy."

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 22, 2013, 02:31:40 AM
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"


Hahaha.  ;D You guys are killing me with all these great jokes.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 22, 2013, 06:54:56 AM
(Do I dare tread in political waters? Exchange any name, I just like the joke part.)


While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
 
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir! "
 
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he better put Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What`s on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
 
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It`s our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 22, 2013, 01:54:35 PM
at the other end of the spectrum....

A guy goes to a urologist and asks, "Doc, would you ever laugh at a penis?" The doctor assures him that he is professional, he has seen everything, and no, he would never laugh at a penis.

Guy unzips and reveals a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, penis. The doctor has never seen one this small and has a hard time not laughing. He  turns away, bites his lip, composes himself, and then turns back to the patient. "So what seems to be the problem?"

"What can you do about this swelling?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 22, 2013, 02:17:40 PM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Your last name stays put.

 Wedding plans take care of themselves.

  You can be President.

 You can never get pregnant.

 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 The world is your urinal.

 You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles simply "add character."

 Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100.

 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

  One mood all month. (One mood all the time.)

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 Your underwear costs $8.95 for a three-pack.

 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

   The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

 One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 22, 2013, 03:36:24 PM

Guy unzips and reveals a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, penis.

 ;D

When I used to do medical transcription I learned there is a technical term for this. Seriously. It's called micropenis. Apropos.

Love this thread. Got to get out some of my old doctor jokes to add.

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 22, 2013, 07:12:13 PM

Guy unzips and reveals a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, penis.

 ;D

When I used to do medical transcription I learned there is a technical term for this. Seriously. It's called micropenis. Apropos.

Love this thread. Got to get out some of my old doctor jokes to add.


Micropenis? That's got to be one of those diagnoses you know in advance, but hurts worse when the doc confirms it, like morbidly obese.

Bring On Those Jokes, girl!!  :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 22, 2013, 07:20:41 PM
at the other end of the spectrum....

A guy goes to a urologist and asks, "Doc, would you ever laugh at a penis?" The doctor assures him that he is professional, he has seen everything, and no, he would never laugh at a penis.

Guy unzips and reveals a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, penis. The doctor has never seen one this small and has a hard time not laughing. He  turns away, bites his lip, composes himself, and then turns back to the patient. "So what seems to be the problem?"

"What can you do about this swelling?"


LOL! Love your jokes, bubba! More! More!  :D
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


An attractive young woman is riding alone on an elevator. It stops and a man gets on.

After the doors close, the man turns to the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman recoils in shock and disgust and says, "No, of course not!"

The man responds, "Oh, well then it must be your feet."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 23, 2013, 07:38:26 AM
A three-time widow is sitting on a secluded beach in Florida, wishing she had a man in her life again. A handsome older gentleman comes by and puts his towel down next to her. She strikes up a conversation.

 "are you married or single?" she asks.

 "I'm a widower."

 "have you lived in Florida long?"

  "moved here about a year ago."

 "do you like to eat out?"

 "yes, I enjoy it."

 "do you like pussy cats?"

Suddenly he jumps on her, tears her clothes off, and has his way with her.

"WOW!" she exclaims, "How did you know that was just what I needed!?"

"How did you know my last name is Katz?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 23, 2013, 08:01:05 AM
some shorties -

 Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

 Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

 If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

 Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
A. Potpourri.





Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 23, 2013, 12:29:17 PM
 ;D


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, again she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure ... So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom.

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 23, 2013, 02:37:17 PM
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom.[/i][/b]
;)

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 23, 2013, 09:44:09 PM
HaHa, Good one, Jazz!  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 24, 2013, 02:55:04 AM
These are seriously funny. Especially liked the gravy ladle joke and why men never get dpressed. That was all so true.  ;)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 24, 2013, 10:16:54 AM
Thanks for cheering us on, homegirl  ;D


Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 24, 2013, 05:39:34 PM
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up ..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie ... I know you'd like it, too ..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love ... Don't be like that ..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 25, 2013, 02:35:01 AM
Oh no. That's too good.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 25, 2013, 10:25:57 AM
Thanks, V!  :)


Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow ... that looks deep." "Sure does ... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait ... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep ... here ... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait ... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey ... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen ... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey ... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 25, 2013, 08:30:28 PM
A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the most perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 26, 2013, 09:43:27 AM
The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
;D

A psychologist is in a group meeting with four women and their children. He tells the mothers that they each have an obsessive disorder. Astonished, the mothers become angry with the doctor, wanting to know why he would say such a thing. The doctor calmly begins to explain, "Ma'am, you're obsessed with alcohol, and you named your daughter Brandy."

Then he says to the second mother, "You have an eating disorder, and you named your daughter Candy."

To the third mother he explains, "You're obsessed with money, so you named your daughter Penny."

Before the doctor could tell the fourth mother what she was obsessed with, she whispers to her son, "Come on, Richard, let's go."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 26, 2013, 02:28:51 PM
 ;D  I suffered brain freeze and repeated "Richard...Richard?..." one too many times before Tricky-Dicky popped to mind and saved the day!



Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr. Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr. Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, a different couple, the Jones, came to see the doctor. "Our friends, the Smiths, told us to come to you. You helped them so much!" they said.

The doctor ran the usual tests and came back to the Jones. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said, "You helped the Smiths; why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jones, the doc said, "Ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 26, 2013, 04:02:08 PM

A psychologist is in a group meeting with four women and their children. He tells the mothers that they each have an obsessive disorder. Astonished, the mothers become angry with the doctor, wanting to know why he would say such a thing. The doctor calmly begins to explain, "Ma'am, you're obsessed with alcohol, and you named your daughter Brandy."

Then he says to the second mother, "You have an eating disorder, and you named your daughter Candy."

To the third mother he explains, "You're obsessed with money, so you named your daughter Penny."

Before the doctor could tell the fourth mother what she was obsessed with, she whispers to her son, "Come on, Richard, let's go."

Reminded me of an old one. I couldn't quite reconstruct it, but found it online:


Three ministers and their wives were carpooling — returning from a Christian convention when they got in a wreck and were all killed.

All 3 couples stood in line waiting to get into heaven.

St. Peter opened the books and said to the first man: I can see that you were a good man but had one problem. You lusted after alcohol your whole life you never drank but your lust was so strong you would never marry until you met a girl named Sherry.  Sorry, you can't come in.

The second minister approached St. Peter and he said: you were a good man, but it says here you lusted after money and your lust was so strong that you would not marry until you met a girl named Penny. Sorry, you cannot come in.

The third minister turned to his wife and said: let's leave, Fanny, we don't have a chance!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 26, 2013, 08:00:04 PM
Weird, although I knew what was coming, I cracked up after both versions  :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 27, 2013, 02:30:57 AM
Jazz, Mish, Kimberly, awesome stuff.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 27, 2013, 06:13:42 PM
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to the office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on June 28, 2013, 02:35:09 AM
LOL mishy.  ;D I knew that was coming but I still enjoyed it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 28, 2013, 08:56:47 AM
 :)



A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that will be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Then, reading the menu, he asks, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that will be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" shouts the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"

Barman, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

Barman, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 28, 2013, 09:37:21 AM
A  55 y.o. guy wakes up after a bad car wreck, in the hospital. The doc says, "well we were able to save your life, but we had to amputate your penis, it was too badly damaged. However there is a doctor who can reconstruct it for you."

Guy gets out of the hospital and he visits the specialist.  The doctor says, "my work is very good but expensive. It is not covered by insurance, so you will have to pay yourself."

"Well, we have some money saved up - how much will it be?"

"For $7500 I can build you an average penis, about 4 inches long. For $15000, 6 inches long. For $25000, a really nice penis, 8 inches long and well proportioned."

"Gee, I have always wanted to be well endowed. But I better check with my wife to see what she thinks. She is out in the waiting room." He leaves.

Five minutes later he comes back into the office with his head hanging.

"She said, for that money, she would rather remodel the kitchen."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on June 28, 2013, 09:19:34 PM
 :D


Jean was in the restaurant yesterday when she
suddenly realized she desperately needed to
pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so
she timed letting out her gas with the beat of
the music.

After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.
Jean finished her coffee, then noticed everyone
was staring at her....

That's when she suddenly remembered: She was
listening to her iPod!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 28, 2013, 09:26:41 PM
Kat?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 30, 2013, 02:59:10 PM
A husband and his wife were at the hospital awaiting the birth of their child. The doctor told them she had an experimental machine that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father. The couple decided to give it a try. As the wife went into labor, the doctor set the machine at 10 percent, explaining that the man would probably feel more pain than he had ever known. To everyone's surprise, he felt no pain at all. The doctor slowly increased the percentage. The man still felt fine, and at last he asked to have all the pain. The amazed doctor honored his request, and the new mother concluded her delivery virtually pain-free. Afterward, the couple returned home with their new baby. As they pulled in the driveway they saw their mailman — dead on the sidewalk.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 01, 2013, 02:01:55 AM
Jazz that was awesome. I can't wiat to share it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on July 02, 2013, 08:26:49 AM
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, a cheese sandwich? she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a steak? Maybe a pizza?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up then? I'm starving."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 03, 2013, 02:48:12 AM
Lol, Jazz I remember that one.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on July 11, 2013, 02:12:46 PM
If I wasn't in public I would be rolling on the floor. As it is I'm getting dirty looks for laughing. Thanks everyone  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on July 11, 2013, 03:07:58 PM
(http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p764/EllenHughes/MathCheck_zps16c90e9c.jpg)

 Payee is apropros  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 12, 2013, 02:20:45 AM
(http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p764/EllenHughes/MathCheck_zps16c90e9c.jpg)

 Payee is apropros  ;D

LOL.  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on July 20, 2013, 03:13:52 AM
A middle aged man takes his sick wife to the doctor. After examining the woman the doctor says, "Well, I'm not 100% certain, but either your wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man replies, "Gee, Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor tells him, " Drive her 5 miles into the woods and leave her there. If she finds her way back, whatever you do, don't fuck her."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on July 22, 2013, 07:57:02 AM
Never one of my favorites, but the only place this belongs is on the joke thread.

I can't stand the way Kenny G smiles when he plays. It's annoying.

Kenny G and his son, Max G

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9KLAltIol4
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 02, 2013, 07:48:00 AM
How rednecks get six-pack abs.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/p480x480/971324_522105064511212_169484818_n.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on August 07, 2013, 05:04:37 AM
A young woman went to see her doctor for her regular check-up. After the doctor gave her a clean bill of health, he asked if she had any concerns.

"Well," the woman said, "there is one little thing."

"And what's that?" the doctor said.

"Well," the woman said, "every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"Oh my gosh," the doctor said, "what have you been taking for it?"

"Black pepper" she replied.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 07, 2013, 05:08:09 PM
Love catching up with these new jokes and hilarious pics. You guys crack me up!


- Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.           

 

-  "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'." Doc said, "That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked.  "It's not unusual," he replied.     

 

- My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 08, 2013, 02:30:16 AM
Very good, guys.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 08, 2013, 02:43:13 AM
A teacher asks her class to think of something new they have seen or experienced recently and make a drawing of it on the blackboard. One boy, Arnie, goes up to the blackboard and draws a dot.
The teacher asks, "Arnie, what's that supposed to be?"

He answers, "It's a period."

"And why is a period interesting?"

"I don't know, but last week my sister didn't have one and my mom cried and my dad got mad and the boy next door shot himself."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 08, 2013, 07:31:13 AM
A Bubba joke (male Bubba)

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 08, 2013, 08:15:50 AM
Reminds me of a tale told to me by a friend as a true story:

He was in the locker room with a bunch of other guys, one of whom was black.

He said of the black man, "He had a dick as big as me forearm!"

When the black man noticed him staring, he said, "What's the matter? Don't you white boys shrivel up in the cold water?" ;D



Told to me as a true story; take it for what it's worth

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 08, 2013, 08:51:03 PM
You guys nearly had me rolling on the floor! All three!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 10, 2013, 02:25:12 AM
A group of four surgeons were lunching together and discussing surgery. The topic was who they most liked to operate on.
Surgeon #1 said he liked to operate on Librarians because "everything's in alphabetical order."
Surgeon #2 said he liked to operate on accountants because "everything is in numerical order."
Surgeon #3 said he prefers ro operate on electricians because "everything is color coded."
Surgeon #4 said he most enjoyed performing surgery on lawyers, because "they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on August 11, 2013, 05:20:59 AM
(http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p764/EllenHughes/BLonde_zps555ffae8.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 11, 2013, 08:17:37 AM
Some teamster jokes

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters?
Don't do anything until I come back.

How can you tell when a teamster is dead?
The jelly doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What did the teamster get on his I.Q. test?
Saliva
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 11, 2013, 08:18:09 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'


'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'


This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'


'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'


'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'


'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'


'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'


'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 11, 2013, 08:24:55 AM
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
... and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”

The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that, now, is there?"


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 12, 2013, 02:18:59 AM
Bubba that was really cute.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 14, 2013, 09:40:36 AM

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 20, 2013, 12:30:56 AM
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 20, 2013, 12:48:23 AM
Ouch, Mish! That's cold! ;)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on August 20, 2013, 02:12:31 AM
Bubba, Mish, you're on a roll.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: intermission on August 20, 2013, 08:44:28 PM
Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain an erection.

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 24, 2013, 06:01:19 PM
Mish, I started laughing half way into that joke! I knew it would be a good one!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 06, 2013, 11:28:12 AM

 Male Vs. Female Logic

 Woman: Do you drink beer?

 Man: Yes

 Woman: How many beers a day?

 Man: Usually about 3

 Woman:How much do you pay per beer?

 Man: $5.00 which includes a tip


 Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?

 Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which
 puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

 Man: Correct

 Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man : Correct

 Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a
 step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 06, 2013, 11:36:49 AM
Classics from Hollywood Squares --


These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years..
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on September 14, 2013, 03:55:40 PM
An Italian Boy's Confession:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 15, 2013, 02:50:22 AM
That's excellent, Jazz.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on September 19, 2013, 03:58:59 PM
(http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p764/EllenHughes/HarleyJoke_zpsf8f2b499.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 20, 2013, 02:27:24 AM
Hahaha.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on September 28, 2013, 02:56:50 AM
When I was in junior high, the boys loved to tell this joke...

A teenage boy goes to the city's red light district. He sees the marquees for strip shows, but he's looking for some real action with a hooker. In front of a dingy building a pimp calls him over and asks what he's up to. He replies he's looking for some action. The pimp tells him he has some lovely ladies available, all races, all sizes, with sexual expertise, and intelligent and clean too, worthy of a king, $100. bucks per.
The boy doesn't have that much money so he tells the pimp that's more than he'd planned to spend. The pimp says he another stable of lovely ladies, not worthy of a king perhaps, but very pretty, young ladies, unblemished, experienced, and willing, $50. per.
The boy says that's still more than he wanted to pay. The pimp says, "How much WERE you planning to pay?" The boy says, "Five dollars." The pimp says, "Gimme the five." The boy gives it to him and the pimp grabs it and says now go into that building behind you and go to room 110. There's a lady there just perfect for you. So the boy goes.
When he comes out of the building he's grinning big time, zipping up his fly. The pimp says "How'd it go? Have a good time?"
The boy says, "Man, I fucked her until rice came out of her."
The pimp says,"That wasn't rice, those were maggots. She's been dead for four days."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 03, 2013, 02:23:40 PM
I just heard the Moron Brothers deliver this one:


A man ran into a bank with a pistol in one hand and an empty bag in the other.

A few minutes later he ran back out with the bag bulging.

Uh oh. There were a few witnesses standing around.

The robber went up to the first and said, "Did you see me rob that bank?"
The witness says, "Yes, sir, I did."
POW! The robber shot and killed the witness.

The robber went up to the second witness and said, "Did you see me rob that bank?"
The witness says, "Yes, sir, I did."
POW! The robber shot and killed the witness.

The robber went up to the third and said, "Did you see me rob that bank?"
The witness says, "No, sir, but my wife did."


ba-da-bum
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 05, 2013, 02:28:19 AM
That's really cute KG.  ;D I've never heard that one before.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 18, 2013, 07:51:27 AM
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says
to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, there were 3 occasions..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to
do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save
my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you
must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right
then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 47 votes short..?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 18, 2013, 10:26:00 AM
At the church meeting, the preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward."  Billy Bob got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need that you want me to pray about?”
Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"
Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on October 19, 2013, 02:30:42 AM
KG and Bubba, those were really cute.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on December 19, 2013, 09:39:43 AM
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on December 20, 2013, 02:19:51 AM
Cute Christmas joke Bubba. Thanks.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 24, 2013, 04:52:37 PM
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know ."
Title: And one for Christmas
Post by: bubba on December 24, 2013, 04:54:37 PM
    

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the prisoners shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on
very well with everybody"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and
nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a
perfect picture as always ma'am !"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am  I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the fire"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 27, 2014, 09:33:17 AM
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on January 28, 2014, 10:16:36 AM
As a cat lover, I adored that one bubba.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on January 30, 2014, 06:12:12 PM
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .  There was
a  large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good
view of  the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big
tree. As  she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste  to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in  her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor. She  told him she was an environmentalist, a
Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she  came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with  great patience and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would  see if he could help her. She
sat and waited three hours before the doctor  reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took so long?" He smiled and  then told her, "Well, I had to
get permits from the Environmental Protection  Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could  remove old-growth timber
from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste  treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Obama-care they turned you  down." 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 30, 2014, 07:25:58 PM
A man came home from work and told his wife, "I was made a Vice President today!"

"Big deal," she says. "Everyone's a VP these days. Why, they even have a VP of peas down at the supermarket."

"I don't believe you," he replies. "I'll call them up."

So he calls the market and asks for the Vice President of Peas, and hears.....

"Canned or frozen?"

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 30, 2014, 07:29:29 PM
Bubba, you're a hoot! Got the best jokes!
 ;D ;D ;D

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 01, 2014, 10:11:35 AM
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .  There was
a  large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good
view of  the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big
tree. As  she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste  to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in  her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor. She  told him she was an environmentalist, a
Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she  came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with  great patience and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would  see if he could help her. She
sat and waited three hours before the doctor  reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took so long?" He smiled and  then told her, "Well, I had to
get permits from the Environmental Protection  Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could  remove old-growth timber
from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste  treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Obama-care they turned you  down."

Loved  it.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on February 05, 2014, 10:48:03 PM
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .  There was
a  large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good
view of  the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big
tree. As  she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste  to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in  her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor. She  told him she was an environmentalist, a
Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she  came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with  great patience and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would  see if he could help her. She
sat and waited three hours before the doctor  reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took so long?" He smiled and  then told her, "Well, I had to
get permits from the Environmental Protection  Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could  remove old-growth timber
from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste  treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Obama-care they turned you  down."

Lol, I actually know someone who has a huge spread in Colville, WA. And she is a  tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and anti-hunter.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on February 09, 2014, 02:33:47 AM
A man came home from work and told his wife, "I was made a Vice President today!"

"Big deal," she says. "Everyone's a VP these days. Why, they even have a VP of peas down at the supermarket."

"I don't believe you," he replies. "I'll call them up."

So he calls the market and asks for the Vice President of Peas, and hears.....

"Canned or frozen?"


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on February 24, 2014, 06:52:20 PM
[Taken from this month's Saturday Evening Post]

The waiter approached a table for two and asked, "welcome, madam, and what would you like for dinner?"
"Filet mignon, medium rare."
"A wise choice, madam," the waiter replied. "And for your vegetable?"
"He'll have the same."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on February 28, 2014, 12:18:19 PM



      Two men walk into a bar . One ducked .
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 21, 2014, 05:22:58 PM
two guys talking -

"How was your first flying lesson yesterday?"

"Awful! The instructor got us up to 5000 feet, put it on auto pilot, and said, "I'm a raging homosexual and a black belt in karate. You can either submit to my sexual advance or jump out".

"so, did you jump?"

"well, yeah, a little, at first...."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 21, 2014, 05:59:08 PM
Miss Francis, I ain't got no damn crayons!

Young man. You mean, I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?

I think so. So what happened to all the fuckin' crayons?



k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on March 23, 2014, 02:22:33 AM
You guys are hysterical!  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 09, 2014, 08:37:24 AM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms.."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."


The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 09, 2014, 09:26:34 AM
Bubba, you rock!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 10, 2014, 02:32:23 AM
A plane was flying from LA to Alaska when turbulence and violent storm winds threw them off course. Lost in the North Pacific and running out of fuel, the pilot announced to the passengers that all was lost. The plane was going to crash and nothing could be done to save them.
One woman stands up, takes off her dress and says, " If we're all going to die anyway, I want a man who can make me feel like a real woman."
A man a few rows behind gets stands up, takes off his shirt and pants and throws them at her feet. "Here, iron these."  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: veinard on April 13, 2014, 02:08:35 AM
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertize one egg? Because they won't stop and ask for directions.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 13, 2014, 08:52:54 AM
Heard this from Will Shortz this morning:

There were 2 cats, a British cat and a French cat.

Named One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre.

They decided to have a race to see who could swim the English Channel the fastest.

Which cat won? 

(give it a few minutes, then scroll down)





























One-Two-Three was the only cat to complete the race because Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre cinq.


Ba-da-bum
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on April 13, 2014, 10:03:57 AM
Mais oui.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 21, 2014, 05:55:02 PM
Back in  the old days, when the meats were displayed on ice in the butcher shop, a little old lady came in and one day looking for a chicken. She picked one up, looked in the body cavity, lifted up a wing, sniffed, lifted up the other wing, sniffed, then put it back down and started to walk out. The butcher, who had watched all this, called after her -- "Hey lady - could you pass that test?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 19, 2014, 08:18:29 PM
(http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/robert-mankoff-what-lemmings-believe-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 20, 2014, 04:45:44 PM
I'll apologize beforehand. This is definitely a guy joke! ::) I heard it about 35 years ago.



What does not belong in this group?

Wife. Children. Eggs. Meat. Bl.ow job.


(scroll down for the answer)

































You can beat your wife.
You can beat your children.
You can beat eggs.
You can beat your meat.
But you can't beat a bl.ow job! 8)





Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 02, 2014, 05:19:56 PM
This is one of those jokes I would just as soon forget, but a recent post by Billy (http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?topic=11663.msg190833#msg190833) brought it to mind:




Two missionaries were deep into the Amazon rainforest. So deep, in fact, that the concept of what country they were in just didn't matter.

Traveling along, one day, the two missionaries — Bob and Rob — were captured by a band of about 20 savages.

They were taken — at spearpoint — to the  savages' village, a mere ½ mile away.

The tribal chief (who speaks surprisingly good English :P) says, "You have been trespassing on our sacred ground, and must be punished. The punishment is your choice: You can have Death, or Boola-Boola!"

Bob, good Christian missionary that he is, thinks quickly: I don't know what is Boola-Boola, but it can't be worse than death! And he tells the chief, "I will take  Boola-Boola!"

The chief calls to his tribe, saying, The infidel has chosen Boola-Boola!"

Amid cries of celebration and revelry, all the savages line up and butt-fu.ck Bob who collapses in a sodden heap afterwards.


Rob, watching this scene, is aghast! He thinks, "No way. They can kill me." And bravely tells the tribal chief, "I shall take Death!"

Again, much rejoicing, and the chief yells to his tribe, "Death! by Boola-Boola!"



ba-da-bum





Lord, I apologize for that there, and...be with the pygmies in New Guinea, amen. — Larry the Cable Guy


k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 02, 2014, 05:45:06 PM
A tent preacher was having a healing. Two people came forward. The first was sister Margaret who had been on crutches for years. The second was brother Bubba who had stuttered all of his life. The preacher told then to step behind a curtain while the congregation prayed for them. After a long prayer the preacher commanded, "Sister Margaret, throw away your crutches". The crutches came flying over the curtain.
The preacher boomed out, "Brother Bubba, speak to us".
S_S_Sister M-M-m-Margaret fell on her A_A_Ass".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 02, 2014, 05:55:23 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Heard that ~25 years ago, but it still puts a smile on my face!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 17, 2014, 04:12:47 PM
So a man walks into a bar…


…kinda quiet, in fact the only two others in the bar were the bartender and some sorry douche-bag looking sort at the far end of the bar.

The new man says, "I'll have a whiskey sour, and buy a drink for that douche-bag down at the other end!"

The bartender deftly tosses a whiskey sour, gives it to the new man, then goes to the other end of the bar:

"The guy who just came in wants to buy you a drink, fella… what'll it be?"

"Oh, I'll just have a vinegar and water!"



Ba-da-bum
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 01, 2014, 08:19:00 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


 ;D ;D ;D

More airline humor where I got this one: http://jimspages.com/Comeflywithme.htm scroll down to the bottom of the page.

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 01, 2014, 05:42:32 PM
CONDOM HISTORY




Interesting piece of history!



In 1272, the Arabs invented

the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.







In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 17, 2014, 12:28:17 PM
I was in the pub the other night and my friends started telling silly jokes from their childhood. It came around to me and the only one I could think of was: what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath? You throw your laundry in.

I had a tap on the shoulder and there was this little Chinese man, he said, 'Hey mister, you no funny: I had brother and he epileptic and he die in bath.'

I felt really bad, apologised profusely and told him it was in bad taste. I said, 'I'm really very sorry. Did your brother drown?'

'No,' said the Chinaman, 'he choke on sock.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 17, 2014, 12:33:13 PM
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood
the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was NO!
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."
It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 19, 2014, 04:49:45 PM
WARNING NOT PC (but funny anyway)

A Chinese guy walks into a bar. The bartender is black.
Chinese guy sats, "Hey N----- how about a jigger?"
Bartender says,"Man that' s racist. You be the bartender and I'll show you how that feels"
Chinese guy gets behind the bar. Black guy says,"Hey Chink, gimme a drink".
Chinese guy says,"We don't serve N-----s".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on September 21, 2014, 01:19:19 AM
Condom History!

LMAO   ;D
Title: some Rodney Dangerfield classics
Post by: bubba on September 21, 2014, 12:10:47 PM
My  wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg.

Last  night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 I   was making love to this girl and she started crying. I
 said, 'Are you going to  hate yourself in the morning?'
 She  said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I  knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex
 offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the
 kitchen the roaches  hang themselves.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 23, 2014, 07:02:10 PM
A few from Garrison Keillor:

At his weekly meeting with his military advisors, Mr. Obama was advised that the supplier of condoms for the US military had gone on strike. The advisors and Obama talked about possible suppliers - one being a Canadian company. Obama thought the Canadian version might be too small, but decided to order 10K anyway. He asked that a sample be sent to the White House. When the box arrived, Obama checked one of the condoms. Beautifully wrapped, with a reddish tint and a maple leaf imprinted. They were 10 inches long, 3 inches wide, and marked Size Small.


A hypochondriac was deathly afraid of going to the doctor for his annual check-up. He just knew something was terribly wrong and he dreaded the diagnosis. The doctor checked his blood pressure and other vital signs and found nothing wrong. Then he prepared to do the rectal exam, and when he was about to begin, the doctor said, "Hey, that's very strange-you have a lettuce leaf sticking out of your behind." And the patient exclaimed, "Oh god, I knew it, that's just the tip of the iceberg."


A blonde goes into a library, up to the counter and says: "I would like a Big Mac, French fries and a small coke."
The librarian replys: "Honey, don't you know that you are in a public library?"
The blonde looks around and then to the librarian and whispers: "I would like a Big Mac, French fries and a small coke."


Truck drivers never stop working. They just go into semi-retirement.




Now that I have your attention, be sure to tune into PHC Saturday, Nov 1 for the sort-of annual Joke Show.

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on November 02, 2014, 06:08:10 AM
A masochist and a sadist were having some wine. The masochist said, "hit me." The sadist said, "no."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on December 17, 2014, 03:19:00 PM
Two friends (call 'em Bob & Bill, I guess) were talking.

Bob says, "Bill, you look like hell! Are you ill?"

Bill: "No, Bob… I feel great!"

Bob: "But you really look like hell… I think you oughta see a doctor!"

Bill: "Well okay." So Bill makes an appointment with his PCP, and tells the doc, "They tell me I look like hell… but I feel great!"

After asking a few questions, the doc consults a medical text, mumbling to himself: "Looks bad; feels bad. No, that's not it. Feels bad; looks good… no not that. Looks bad, feels good… here it is: Bill you're a pussy!

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on December 24, 2014, 09:17:31 AM
Not another blonde joke?
There was a terrible hailstorm one night and the auto body shop was overwhelmed with work the next day. A blonde came in and the body shop didn't have time for her so to get rid of her the receptionist told her,"Just blow real hard on the tailpipe and the dents will pop out."
She went home and was lying on the driveway blowing in the tailpipe. Her blond friend asked what she was doing and she told her.
"Oh, you're so dumb", said her blond friend, "You have to roll up the windows first".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on December 25, 2014, 06:43:10 PM
Man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the bartender,"Bet you a beer this dog can talk."
Bartender says,"Prove it".
Guy turns to the dog and asked,"Whats on top of this building?"
Dog says,"Roof, roof".
Then he asks,"What's sandpaper like?"
Dog says "Ruff, ruff".
Man asks,"Who's the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Dog says "Ruth Ruth".
Bartender has enough so he throws both of them ass over teakettle out of the bar.
Dog turns to the man and says,"See smartass? I TOLD you it was Hank Aaron".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 03, 2015, 06:15:12 PM
A skunk, a frog and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The skunk says,"I'd like to buy the drinks but I only have a scent".
The frog says,"So would I but I only have a greenback".
"Step up to the bar boys", says the giraffe,"The high balls are on me".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 03, 2015, 06:18:11 PM
Did you hear about the man on the flying trapeze?

He caught his wife in the act.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 03, 2015, 08:47:44 PM
There was an old gal from La Mesa
Who had a tremendous cabeza
The width of her butt
And the girth of her gut
Could only be measured by laser
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on January 15, 2015, 05:32:08 PM
What do you call a blood-sucking antelope?

Vlad The Impala
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 19, 2015, 10:00:55 AM
Guy calls the emergency room in a panic, "Help!! My pecker suddenly turned bright orange."
Doctor asked him,"When did you first notice the condition?"
Guy says,"Well let's see. I remember I was watching porn, eating Cheetos and - OH! - Never mind".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 21, 2015, 06:56:36 PM
One Sunday a man was taking a nap naked when his wife woke him up to tell him the sink was leaking. While he was on his hands and knees checking under the sink the cat saw his dangly parts and sunk both sets of claws in. Startled, he raised up under the sink and knocked himself cold. His wife called 911 and while the EMT was wheeling him out they asked what had happened. When his wife told them they started laughing so hard the man tumbled off the gurney and broke his arm.
The next day his wife visited him in the hospital and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
"Yes", he said,"Make sure nothing happens to that cat till I get home".  >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on January 25, 2015, 11:13:49 AM
So there's this VIP being shown round a brand-new hospital. His guides show him the surgical and clinical wards, A&E, intensive care, the hospital kitchens, the admin block, etc etc. Then they walk into this ward where the first patient is sitting up in bed declaiming "The rank is but the guinea's stamp, the man's the gowd for a'that" In the next bed another chap is singing "O my love is like a red red rose...". Farther down, there's yet another individual reciting "O wee sleekit cowering tim'rous beastie o what a panic's in thy breastie"

Puzzled, the VIP turns to his host and asks "what ward is this"

Comes the reply "It's the Serious Burns Unit"


(thought it would be appropriate for today :) )
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 25, 2015, 11:44:49 AM
I heard that from Garrison Keillor about 15 years ago.

It's still funny! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: dunkie on February 03, 2015, 11:37:53 AM
Q :What do polar bears get from sitting on ice?
A: Polaroids

thanks to cate :o ) 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 03, 2015, 10:32:59 PM
A husband was always draining their savings for some hare brained scheme that lost it.
When his wife complained he always said,"There's a whole world out there and someday we'll own a big chunk of it".
Finally she got fed up and kicked him a good one right between his legs.
"There's a couple achers to get you started".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 06, 2015, 12:55:06 PM
Three men died at the same time and appeared before Saint Peter. Peter asked each how he had died.
The first one said,"Beats me. I was walking on the sidewalk outside an apartment building when a refrigerator came falling out the window and killed me".
The second said,"I was sure my wife had a lover hidden somewhere but I searched everywhere and couldn't find him. In a rage I picked up my wifes new refrigerator and threw it out the window; the exertion caused a heart attack".
Peter asked the third man,"What about you?"
"I was hiding in the refrigerator", he replied
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 06, 2015, 06:11:43 PM
A guy came home unexpectedly and caught his wife in bed with the milkman." What the Hells going on here"?
The milkman, thinking fast, puts one of her nipples in his ear and says,"Just listening to the music".
The guy walks over, sticks the other nipple in his ear and says,"I don't hear any music".
The milkman answered,"Well of course not. You aren't even plugged in".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 09, 2015, 03:38:34 PM
Englishman, " I say, shall we have a game of soccer?"
Irishman, "How do you play it?"
Englishman,"You try to kick the ball into the goal. If you can't kick the ball you kick a player on the opposite team".
Irishman, "To hell with the ball. Let's get on with the game".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 09, 2015, 04:20:02 PM
Back in the Middle Ages, Vlad Dracul, Prince of Wallachia (known as 'The Impaler') spent some time in exile at the court of the King of Bohemia (today part of the Czech Republic). In his time there he ran up a hefty tab, but promised to repay it once he regained his throne. But after his return to Wallachia no payment was forthcoming. Understandably pissed at this, the Bohemian King sent a messenger to request the debt be repaid.

When the emissary appeared and presented the bill, Vlad flew into a rage and, living up to his rep, ordered the messenger be impaled on a stake in the palace yard. As the unfortunate chap was being dragged off, Vlad summoned a trembling courtier.

"I vont you to take a message to the King of Bohemia" he said. "Tell him......

"His Czech Is On The Post"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 09, 2015, 07:14:06 PM
A woman came home one night admiring a new ring on her finger. Her husband asked her where she got it. She said, "I won it playing bingo." Next night, same thing but with a sparkly necklace. "I won it playing bingo."

The next night she told her husband she was going out to play bingo again, and asked him if he would run a bath for her. He ran about an inch of water in the tub. When she asked, "Why so little water?" he replied, "I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on February 09, 2015, 08:14:55 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Nice to see you bubba!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 12, 2015, 11:49:29 AM


"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on
the freeway yesterday, shedding its load across the carriageway,
according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled,
aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed,
dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed,
flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed,
horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 13, 2015, 12:43:10 PM
Good one  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 11, 2015, 08:24:15 AM
A man picked up an old lamp on the beach, rubbed off the sand and out popped a Genie. "Times are tough", said the Genie, "so you only get one wish".
"OK, I love Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly and a ship takes too long, so I want you to build me a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii; then I can drive".
The Genie said,"Think what you're asking me to do. The ocean is miles deep in some spots. How am I going to pour supports that deep? Isn't there something else you would like?"
"All right then; teach me to understand how women think".
"UHHH -", said the genie, "Four lanes be wide enough?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 11, 2015, 08:36:06 AM
Two Irish men were digging a ditch in front of a house of ill repute. They saw a minister go in and said to each other, "What a shame, a man of God goin' into a place like that, tsk, tsk." A few minutes later a  rabbi went it and they said to each other, "Imagine if his congregation knew what he was doing, that's awful."

A few minutes later a Catholic priest goes inside. "Faith, one of the girls must be really sick...."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on March 11, 2015, 10:16:10 AM
You have to go where you are needed.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on March 17, 2015, 03:47:57 PM
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on March 17, 2015, 03:50:11 PM
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on March 19, 2015, 01:27:14 PM

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know."

"So, why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 19, 2015, 02:00:32 PM
Here is the TOTALLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT joke elsewhere referenced. DON'T YELL AT ME.

The first black astronaut was going up in space and they were practicing the countdown. The 10,9,8, guy got to 0 and yelled "Coon to the moon!!" His boss ran over and told him he couldn't say that.

Next practice he got to zero and yelled "Trigger the nigger!" Again he was told absolutely not to say that.

Finally the big day came and when the launch took place, he yelled "The jig is up!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 19, 2015, 02:03:07 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Like I said, Bubba, you always have the best jokes!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: dunkie on March 22, 2015, 10:49:07 AM
Hillbilly Billy-Bob: Let's play 20 Questions
Hillbilly Jimmy-Bob: Oh, I know that game.  Okay. 
Billy-Bob thinks of 'donkey dick' and tells Jimmy to ask his first question.
Jimmy-Bob: Can ya eat it ?
Billy-Bob: Well, I suppose you could eat it. 
Jimmy Bob thinks for a minute,then says: Is it donkey dick? 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on March 26, 2015, 01:51:23 PM
How come them's is hillbillies and not some other protected gang. Hillbillies get no respect.  I seriously doubt you could find a rural mountain man that would fit that joke. Just pointing out what I see as a bit of bias.


David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: dunkie on March 28, 2015, 04:26:17 AM
You are right. I have or had that unexamined prejudice.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 28, 2015, 10:00:09 AM
I lived a hillbilly life in Eastern Oklahoma for quite a few years. It's a good life but not an easy one. I called myself a voluntary hillbilly.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 29, 2015, 09:57:07 AM
they are not hillbillies, they are Appalachian-Americans.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 29, 2015, 11:20:25 AM
Hillbillies don't call themseves hillbillies. They are mountain folk. I never quite understood that. One of the reasons Scots and Irishmen came here was because the soil there was so thin and rocky; so where did they head? Up into the Appalacians where the soil is thin and rocky.  ???
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 11, 2015, 01:21:12 AM
A little girl was walking to church with her mother when she asked,"Are we going to sing about Gladly mommy?"
"I'm sorry honey; I don't understand the question".
"You know mommy; Gladly the cross eyed bear".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on April 23, 2015, 01:35:58 PM

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, went to visit
a school in Moscow to have a chat with the children. He talked about how
Russia is a powerful nation and how he wanted the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there was opportunity for questions. Little
Sasha raised her hand and asked "I have two questions ."
‘Go ahead’ said Putin.

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the
Ukraine?"
Putin replied, "Good questions!" But just as he was about to answer, the
bell rang, and the kids dispersed to Lunch.

When they returned from lunch, they sit back down and resumed for more
questions.
Another girl, Misha, put her hand up and asked, "I have Four questions."
‘Go ahead’ replied Putin.

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we
sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And
Where is Sasha?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: dunkie on April 23, 2015, 04:51:54 PM
One of the reasons Scots and Irishmen came here was because the soil there was so thin and rocky; so where did they head? Up into the Appalacians where the soil is thin and rocky

People like to be in places that remind them of home - especially if they are far far from home with no prospects of ever going back.  Same thing with all the Scandinavians in Michigan and Minnesotta, a bazillion lakes and the most common local bird is the mosquito.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: wedgewood59 on April 24, 2015, 12:08:04 PM
A woman decided to have a party for her friends and co-workers and to try something a little different she decided on a costume party.  The twist was that everyone had to come dressed as an emotion.

The night of the party so was walking around guessing what emotion each one was portraying.  One guest was dressed all in blue, that was easy, she was blue.  Another was dressed all in green, again, easy, he was envy.  The next one was much more difficult and after some time she had to tell him she was stumped.  I just can't figure this out.  You are completely nude except for a tire tied around your waist, what are you?

Guest replied, "should be obvious - f'ing de spare."

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 23, 2015, 02:33:28 PM
(http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-haircut-sign-look-good-ugly.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 23, 2015, 03:25:45 PM
Three drunks were standing at a bar when the bartender asked."If you named your pecker after a famous man what would you call it?"
The young man answered,"John Wayne as in the High And the Mighty".
The middle aged man said,"Rob Roy as in Stand and Deliver".
The old man shook his head, stared down at his drink and mumbled,"Deadwood Dick".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Lost Lady on May 31, 2015, 05:29:17 PM
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there is three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asked the son.“Yes”, replied dad, “you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of male dicks are there?”

The mother smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his d*** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” enquired the daughter.

“Yes”, responded the mother.

“Totally dead from the root up and the balls are purely for decoration!!”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on May 31, 2015, 06:20:55 PM
I beg to differ.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 07, 2015, 01:12:36 PM
A redhead came to the doctors office complaining that every part of her body hurt if she touched it with her finger.
"Hmm", said the doctor, "show me what you mean".
She touched her knee with her finger and screamed in pain, then touched her elbow with her finger and screamed again.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead are you"?
"No I  dye my hair. I'm really blond".
"Yes that's what I thought. You have a broken finger".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 07, 2015, 01:19:14 PM
A young lady walked into a bar and ordered a martooni with a pickle in it.
The bartender mixed a martini and put a pickle in it. She drank the martini, ate the pickle and ordered another. When the bartender came back he asked if she'd like another martooni with a pickle in it.
"No, they're giving me heartburn".
"Lady", said the bartender, "I have three things to tell you, "First it's not a mattooni, it's a martini, secondly you put an olive in it, not a pickle, and thirdly they don't give you heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on June 07, 2015, 02:16:44 PM
I met an old time cowboy that was an acquaintance of my wife, he called martinis martoonis.

David 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 10, 2015, 12:43:52 PM
I've always wondered about those extra dry martinis. If you want straight gin be a man and say so.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 13, 2015, 03:18:02 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying an economy bag of Chummy dog biscuits for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog diet again......

I added that I probably shouldn’t as I ended up in hospital last time, having lost about 10 kilograms before waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially the perfect diet and the way it worked was to load your pockets with the dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (by now everybody had stopped shopping and was listening in).

Horrified, she asked me if I landed up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters arse and a car hit me. I thought the fella behind the woman was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard and yep, they’ve banned me from Walmart.
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 13, 2015, 03:23:26 PM
I met an old time cowboy that was an acquaintance of my wife, he called martinis martoonis.

David

I knew an old-time cowboy who wrapped himself in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 13, 2015, 03:33:19 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying an economy bag of Chummy dog biscuits for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog diet again......

I added that I probably shouldn’t as I ended up in hospital last time, having lost about 10 kilograms before waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially the perfect diet and the way it worked was to load your pockets with the dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (by now everybody had stopped shopping and was listening in).

Horrified, she asked me if I landed up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters arse and a car hit me. I thought the fella behind the woman was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard and yep, they’ve banned me from Walmart.

In one of the Lethal Weapon movies — 2, I think — Martin Riggs has a similar line where he says he falls off of the sofa whenever he tries to lick his balls. :P

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 18, 2015, 10:51:31 AM

A Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying

" I must have taken Leif off my census."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on June 25, 2015, 01:47:03 PM
official who apologized profusely saying

" I must have taken Leif off my census."

Took me a second, then gave me a good belly laugh. Thanks.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 11, 2015, 02:49:08 PM
Farmer was trying to make out with the widow down the road with no Success. One day he had an idea so he took his cow to be bred by her bull.
As they watched them do the deed the farmer turned to her and said, "Kind of like to do that myself".
"Well", she answered, "Go ahead. It's your cow".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: erltprl2 on July 11, 2015, 06:37:10 PM
UFO caught on tape!

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bv_o5HRIgAAnQy3.jpg
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 11, 2015, 07:01:06 PM
That's so bad it's good.  ;)
It reminds me of the carnival that had a big banner "See the maneating chicken $1." After the sucker paid his dollar he went into the tent and there sat a fat guy eating fried chicken.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 14, 2015, 10:40:41 PM
Pa told ma her cooking wasn't fit for a dog. She snatched up his plate and put it on the floor where the dog gobbled it up.
"See there?", said Ma, "he likes it.

 "You look", said pa, "Now he's lickin' his butt to get the taste out of his mouth".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 06, 2015, 10:14:02 AM

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 06, 2015, 01:02:25 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 06, 2015, 08:27:01 PM
A guy parked 10 miles out of town and told her to put out or walk home. She walked home. Next time he drove 20 miles out and tried the same thing. Again she walked home. Next he drove 50 miles and this time she gave in. "Why didn't you give in the first time?" he asked.
"Ï'll be damned if I'll walk 50 miles just to keep from giving you the clap"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 07, 2015, 07:16:58 AM
Just deserts!

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 10, 2015, 02:35:46 PM
Another Abie and Rosa joke.
Abie had a new suit made. He came home, unzipped his fly and said, "Rosa look - eighteen inch zipper" Rosa was not impressed, "Our neighbor has a four car garage. The door opens, what comes out? A bicycle".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 10, 2015, 02:54:17 PM
A woman was talking to a friend about her husbands Alzheimers.
The friend said, "He said the strangest thing to me this morning; he said when he went to pee God turned on the light for him"
"DAMMIT! He peed in the refrigerator again""
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 10, 2015, 03:00:12 PM
 ^-^ Billy, that's so funny it hurts! You understand. :-*

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 11, 2015, 07:00:54 AM
^-^ Billy, that's so funny it hurts! You understand. :-*

k-g
Sometimes it's laughing through the tears.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 17, 2015, 02:59:06 PM
WARNING Totally offensive.
Nasa decided that in order to be totally PC they should have a black team put a black astronaught into space.
As the program progressed they issued a series of reports to the press.
The first read, "NASA starts spade work".
The second said, "Coming soon. Coon on the moon".
The final one said,"The jig is up".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 19, 2015, 08:53:25 PM
Womans husband died and all she had left of him was his parrot. The trouble was it was the most foul mouthed bird ever. Just as she uncovered its cage one morning she saw the preacher coming up the walk so she quickly put the cover back on to keep it quiet.
Just as the preacher came in the parrot screeched, "Jesus Christ! That was the shortest F****** day I ever saw".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 31, 2015, 01:38:09 PM
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

What did the black man say to his wife when he got home from work?
He said "Hi honey. I am home from work. How are you?" 

If you thought this was a racist joke then the joke is on you.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 08, 2015, 02:39:27 PM
A man was napping naked when his wife woke him to say the sink was leaking. Without bothering to dress he went into the kitchen, knelt down and leaned in to look under the sink. The family cat spotted the dangly bits and sunk both claws in and bit down. The husband leaped up, cracked his head on the sink and was knocked cold. The wife called 911 and as they were carrying him out one of the emergency men asked what had happened. When she told them one of them laughed so hard he dropped the stretcher, breaking the husbands arm.
The next day she stopped by the hospital and asked if there was anything he wanted. "Yes", he said, "I want you to take very good care of the cat. I want it to be in good shape when I get home".  >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 14, 2015, 02:05:13 PM
Two trappers were sharing a cabin in Alaska. One went out to check the traplines while the other stayed in the cabin. Suddenly the door flew open and his partner ran in chased by a huge Kodiak bear. As his partner ran out the back door he shouted. You skin out that one - I'll go find another one.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on September 28, 2015, 01:27:18 PM
(http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p764/EllenHughes/WashPo_zpsuwttzo1u.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 28, 2015, 02:57:02 PM
I am guilty of #3.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 01, 2015, 01:06:40 PM


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old f*rt. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 01, 2015, 01:36:03 PM
"Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are. That there is funny" — Larry the Cable Guy


When I saw it was posted by michael233, it reminded me of this:


A cockney lass was walking on the pavement, in a miniskirt and without knickers.

A strong wind comes up and lifts her skirt.

A nearby bloke comments, "Isn't it airy?"

The lass replies indignantly, "What'ya expect… feathers?"



(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 06, 2015, 08:37:30 AM
By request of KG
A Frenchman was visiting England and kept hearing the word fuck so he asked a young English girl what it meant. Jokingly she said, "It means to serve the meat".
Sometime later he was invited to a dinner party. As the guest of honor it was his privilege to carve the goose. He stood up and said to the hostess, "I thank you for the honor of fucking this goose for you".
There was dead silence till a drunk at the far end of the table staggered to his feet and shouted, "Jolly good! And I shall put my peter in the mashed potatoes".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 06, 2015, 08:43:22 AM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon

Ahh, those Brits!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 08, 2015, 12:06:55 PM


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence
was awful, and things went from bad to worse when
one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost
it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,
'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone
on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair
and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 08, 2015, 12:18:03 PM
Best laugh I've had all day! Men!!!

Your Frenchman was visiting England reminds me of a joke told to me by my Welsh friend some years ago:

A bloke was sitting alone in the pub, drinking his beer, and after 2 or 3, he needed to pee.

Not wanting anyone else to drink his beer, he left a note on the glass, I stuck me dick in this beer!

When he returned from the loo, there was another note attached to the glass, So did I!

(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal


The joke seems to work so much better when the subject is a Brit and the story teller is a Brit. :)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 08, 2015, 01:22:33 PM
A variation on that. A farmers watermelon patch was being raided so he put up a sign that said, "1 of these melons has been poisoned". The next day he went to the watermelon patch. The 1 had been crossed out and 2 written in.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on October 10, 2015, 10:54:31 AM
True story.  My father worked in a machine shop.  One of his coworkers would walk by the machine my father was working at and take my fathers soda off the shelf and take a long swig. My father told him many times he did not like him doing that and wished he would quit it. He didn't

One day dad pissed in the bottle and left it on the shelf.  Problem solved the guy never did it again.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 10, 2015, 12:02:56 PM
A famous wine expert used to frequent a bar where he and the bartender would play a game. The bartender would pour a taste of wine and the expert would name the wine, the winery that produced it, the year it was bottled and the vineyard where the grapes were grown.
A man at the end of the bar watched for a while then walked up and handed the man a flask. "I'm a detective working on a puzzling case. It would help me a great deal if you can identify what is in this flask"
The expert took a sip then screamed, "God damn you!! That's piss".
"Yes", said the detective, " But whose"?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 10, 2015, 02:54:11 PM
                                     

A Senior Trying To Set A Password 
 
WINDOWS : Please enter your new password. 

USER : cabbage 

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

  USER:   boiled cabbage

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

  USER : 1 boiled cabbage 

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

  USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages 

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 

USER : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages 
 
  WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 

USER : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! 

WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. 

USER : ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow 
 
 

      WINDOWS:  Sorry, that password is already in use. 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 15, 2015, 11:23:14 PM
A Jewish old maid went to the doctor. After the examination he said, "You're suffering from woman problems".
"VAT! I never used it now I'm gonna have trouble with it?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 15, 2015, 11:28:02 PM
 >:D ^-^ >:D ^-^ >:D ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 16, 2015, 06:31:06 AM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets
him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth  did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'

The barman  gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments  later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!

The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a  million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 27, 2015, 11:23:54 PM
The great god Thor came to earth and had sex with a human. Bang bang bang all night long. In the morning he prepared to return to Olympus. He drew himself to his full height and announced,"I am Thor".
"You're Thor?", she replied, "I'm tho thore I can hardly thit down".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 12, 2015, 07:39:36 AM
The great god Thor came to earth and had sex with a human. Bang bang bang all night long. In the morning he prepared to return to Olympus. He drew himself to his full height and announced,"I am Thor".
"You're Thor?", she replied, "I'm tho thore I can hardly thit down".

Cute. I didn't plan it this way, but that kind of segues into my joke:


The fire & brimstone preacher was addressing a large crowd under the expansive tent.
"Brothers and sisters," he cried, "if any of you have afflictions or ailments, come forward and be cured."
One woman hobbled to the front on crutches.
The preacher says, "Dear sister! Believe, and G-d will cure you! What is your name?"
She says, "Mrs. Smithson," sir.
"Well, Mrs. Smithson, step behind this modesty panel for just a few minutes.
Mrs. Smithson hobbles behind the folding screen.

"Brothers and sisters," he cried, "is there anyone else who needs the healing touch of G-d tonight?
One healthy looking young man steps forward and says, "I have thpoken with a thevere lithp all my life. Can you heal me?"
"I cannot, brother, but the power of G-d certainly can! Step behind this modesty panel for just a few minutes.
The young man goes behind the folding screen to join Mrs. Smithson.

The preacher looks toward the heavens, trembles, shakes his fist in the air, and screams, "Believe, and ye will be healed!"

"Mrs. Smithson!" the preacher cried. "Throw down your crutches and walk out!"
"And young man! Speak to us in a normal voice!"
From behind the folding screen the crowd heard, "Mthuth Thmithon jutht fell on her ath!"

(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on December 15, 2015, 02:13:40 PM
Honey come into the bedroom with me.
Take off my dress AHH yes
Now take off my bra, Oh that's good
Oh honey please take off my panties. Oh my yes.

AND DON'T YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!!!

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on December 15, 2015, 03:13:36 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9URPvejWHk
Bob Rivers - Walking Round In Womens Underwear
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on January 15, 2016, 11:55:09 AM
Vice Squad raided Kermit's lily pad. They found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy

A spokesman said it was the worst case of frogs porn they'd ever seen
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 15, 2016, 12:40:40 PM
(http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Washing-Machine.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on January 16, 2016, 09:47:04 PM
 



                                                      ???

                                                      OK?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 26, 2016, 03:02:21 PM
I ran into the hospital and yelled at the first scrub I could find, "I need a doctor!"
The nurse replied, Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face; Great chieftain o' the pudding-race!

Thinking I had landed in the mental ward, I approached a guy with a stethoscope around his neck. Again, I yelled, "I need a doctor!"
He said calmly, O my Luve's like a red, red rose, That's newly sprung in June…

I ran to a third person, yelling, "I need a doctor! Now!"
Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beastie,
O, what panic's in thy breastie! Aye…


I yelled back at him, "Is this a hospital or what???"

Aye, he replied. You're in the Burns Unit.


(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 8/11/2015 6:17:31 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 26, 2016, 08:23:41 PM
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 26, 2016, 08:40:44 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 28, 2016, 12:04:17 PM
Good one.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 28, 2016, 01:49:23 PM
A preacher was giving a sermon on superstition.
"Now you take ghosts for instance; anyone who has ever heard a ghost get out of my church". A few people left.
"Anyone who has ever seen a ghost get out of my church". A few more left.
"Anyone who has ever touched a ghost get out". More left.
"Now we gettin down to it. If you can touch a ghost you can have intercourse with it. If you had intercourse with a ghost raise your hand".
The preacher looked out at the congregation and one man in the back row had his hand up.
"Brother Verber you tellin me you had intercourse with a ghost"?
"OH - ghost? I thought you said goat".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 28, 2016, 07:07:15 PM
 ^-^ >:D ^-^ >:D ^-^ >:D

Best laugh of my day, Billy!

There's a remote county in VA where the unofficial slogan is "Floyd County: Where men are men, women are scarce, and sheep are afraid!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 31, 2016, 10:01:58 AM
A young girl was out on her first romantic dinner and was doing her best to act suave
"Would you like some champagne before dinner my dear"?
 "Ah champagne, what a marvelous beverage. When I drink it I am wafted away on a gentle breeze to a forest glade surrounded by flowers and attended by fairies."

"Beer, on the other hand, just makes me fart"
End of suave.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 04, 2016, 01:47:48 PM


 
Looking again at the Amazon Fire stick I saw this review, reproduced without comment:

5.0 out of 5 starsSaving me from cheap gin.
By Gaia TOP 500 REVIEWER on 27 May 2015
Configuration: Standard Remote Verified Purchase
I bought this as an electronic babysitter, for my husband, who is five. Oh, wait, not five, 48. I was pig-sick of him watching Netflix on his mobile phone, with his netbook pinging up Facebook messages, with the TV on full blast, and the sound from his Netflix leaking out of his earphones, because he had that on full volume as well, to counter-balance whatever was happening on the TV he wasn't watching. It has worked a treat, as he now watches endless hours of crap on the big TV, while his netbook and phone ping Facebook messages at him, and he lies on the couch, re-arranging his crotch, and grunting.

The installation was easy, despite the fact that I only have full use of one hand, I didn't need any screwdrivers, and I'm not allowed hammers anyway. I did stand on an apple that the dog had taken behind the TV, for dog-reasons, and it squidged between my toes a bit, but I don't suppose that's a universal installation issue, not everyone having a dog that hides fruit behind the TV.

The plug-and-play nature of the device meant that I was able to install without asking for help from a man, and I didn't even break any fingernails. I'm relatively certain I've deleted any links to my social media from Amazon, so the husband won't be able to ferret about, at two in the morning, while he's watching something with boobs in, or yet another concert from the time period when I was being potty-trained, and see all of the nasty things I say about him.

For me, it has been £35 well-spent, although the glut of adverts offering it for £25 have been a bit of a kick in the crotch, I could have spent the extra £10 on gin, but it would have been cheap gin, so there would have been no real gain.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 04, 2016, 01:59:11 PM
Great Review. :D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 18, 2016, 08:40:46 AM
An old mans wife finally convinced him to see a doctor. The nurse told him,"I'll need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample".
Being a bit hard of hearing he asked his wife,"What did she say"?
"She wants your underwear".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 18, 2016, 08:52:12 AM
An old mans wife finally convinced him to see a doctor. The nurse told him,"I'll need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample".
Being a bit hard of hearing he asked his wife,"What did she say"?
"She wants your underwear".


(http://lh5.ggpht.com/_nv-fNdiZJiw/S9orpH869fI/AAAAAAAAAlM/je0MgGbo3UU/horseyucksmall.jpg)
Horse Yuck

Oh, Billy! >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 25, 2016, 04:43:59 AM


A Muslim walks into a bookshop and asks, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The bookseller angrily says, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

The Muslim says, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 25, 2016, 05:46:43 AM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Made my day, and it's just started!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 25, 2016, 02:34:41 PM


A Muslim walks into a bookshop and asks, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The bookseller angrily says, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

The Muslim says, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

AAAAHHH! I love it!!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 25, 2016, 07:01:25 PM
Two young men were inspecting an oil pipeline. As they walked the line they noticed an old lady rocking on her porch.
When they got to the end one turned to the other and said,"Bet you a beer I can beat you back to the truck", and they both took off.
Just as they got back to the truck they heard someone huffing along behind them and there was that old lady moving as fast as she could.
"Ma'am why are you running"?
"Well I don't rightly know but when you see two young men running in the oil patch it ain't no time to ask questions".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 27, 2016, 09:23:03 AM
Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You’re lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 27, 2016, 09:26:16 AM
Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You’re lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out."

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 11, 2016, 07:38:58 AM
City fella was visiting a hillbilly and got invited for dinner. Seeing the doubt on his face the hillbilly said,"Don't worry. These dishes are as clean as soap and water can get them". The man stayed for the meal and afterwards the hillbilly put the dishes on the porch and hollered "Heah Soap. Heah Water".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on March 18, 2016, 06:14:00 AM


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question, gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, he stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me…"

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver, he said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab."
"I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 18, 2016, 06:30:48 AM
Took me a few seconds.  ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ Good one, M233!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 20, 2016, 11:12:46 AM
Elderly hearing impaired couple sitting around the house with basically nothing to do but look at each other.

   Wife says, You wanna go for a walk?

   Husband replies, Isn't it windy?

   Wife says, No! It's Thursday!

   Husband says, Me, too! Let's go get a beer!


ba-da-bum

(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 8/11/2015 6:17:31 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 30, 2016, 11:28:25 AM
Larry the cable guy:

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wi5c19DQiCA/VvviAWvg5QI/AAAAAAAAEEM/dCwGwsxKE14_QGKUKR0A71k9_hMYpeobgCCo/s478-Ic42/politically-incorrect-conte.jpg)
politically incorrect content warning3302016100314


- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I
  can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with
  another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her.
  Shoot her in the head and him in the privates!" He says, "I
  can get that in one shot!"

- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I
  have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?"
  The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the
  worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

-I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.

- Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something! Why do you hate us?

- I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired

-  Madder than a hunch back in a limbo contest

-  why do midgets laugh when they run? the grass tickles there nuts

-  I was madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory...

-  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

-  "I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo"

-  "I was madder than an albino hitch hiker in a snow storm."

- If a bunch of midgets do the wave, Is it a ripple?

-  Madder than a hunch back in a limbo contest


You were warned. :) These are some of the milder ones.
http://larrythecableguyjokes.blogspot.com/2012/06/larry-cable-guy-jokes_24.html

k-g

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3LIEWE94VYw/VvviATiaQiI/AAAAAAAAEEM/7QiC8qZCb5caE9D0AvR4Z4E7YMq9iQOrACCo/s512-Ic42/larry-the-cable-guy-apologi.jpg)
larry-the-cable-guy-apologize3302016100314
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 30, 2016, 11:37:16 AM
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wi5c19DQiCA/VvviAWvg5QI/AAAAAAAAEEM/dCwGwsxKE14_QGKUKR0A71k9_hMYpeobgCCo/s478-Ic42/politically-incorrect-conte.jpg)
politically incorrect content warning3302016100314


My last contribution in this thread for today:

What's the worst thing you can call a black man, starting with N and ending with R?
Neighbor

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.
I had to shoot him before he stole everything. …. (That was for you Treygone)

Did you hear about KuKluxKnevial's latest stunt?
He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steam roller.

Englishman applies for a job with South African police. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six niggers and a rabbit."
Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

What do you call a nigger in a three piece suit/
Defendant.

What do you call a nigger in a 2 piece suit?
Inmate.

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3LIEWE94VYw/VvviATiaQiI/AAAAAAAAEEM/7QiC8qZCb5caE9D0AvR4Z4E7YMq9iQOrACCo/s512-Ic42/larry-the-cable-guy-apologi.jpg)
larry-the-cable-guy-apologize3302016100314

These were some of the mild ones. It gets worse: http://niggermania.net/forum/showthread.php?33426-101-of-the-Funniest-Nigger-Jokes-Ever!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 30, 2016, 02:37:03 PM
What has four legs and runs down the hall hollering,"ho de do ho de do"
Two Ns running for the elevator.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 31, 2016, 10:17:53 AM
Some friends got together for a p0ker game but a young boy kept running around making a racket and being a PITA in general.
Finally his father took him upstairs. When he came back he said,"Well he won't be down again tonight".
"Geez Joe you didn't beat him up did you"?
"Nah - just taught him to masturbate".

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 31, 2016, 12:16:20 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Boston Mike on March 31, 2016, 02:04:36 PM
Told by John Roberts at a Law School commencement shortly after his installation as Chief Justice of the SCOTUS:

I am told that on occasions like this, it is best to start with a little humor. But all I know are lawyer jokes, and
the trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, while other people don't think they're jokes.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 15, 2016, 08:54:38 PM
The foreman noticed a worker was throwing away a lot of nails.
"Why are you throwing those nails away".
"Some dumass ordered nails with the head on the wrong end".
"You're the dumass. Those nails are for the other wall."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 16, 2016, 10:04:54 AM
A remake of a somewhat old joke:


Bernie & the Pope walk into a bar.

Sitting at the bar, side by side, each enjoying his favorite beer and the company of the other.

"Beer," Bernie declares, "must be one of G-d's greatest gifts to man!"

Pope replies, "Yes, my son. Beer is clearly a gift from The Almighty! It rates right up there with pork!"

The Pope continues, "It's a shame that Jews have misread the Scripture and cannot eat pork."

After a pause, Pope asks, "Bernie, have you ever eaten pork?"

Bernie says, "Well, yes, a handful of times throughout my life."

After a pause, Bernie asks, "Your Holiness , have you ever tried sex?"

Pope replies, "Why, yes, once or twice in my youth, yes."

Bernie winks at the Pope and says, "Beats the Hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't it?"

(http://sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=14549.0;attach=3735;image)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 8/11/2015 6:17:31 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 16, 2016, 10:08:51 AM
An old joke but a good one. In my version the punch line is."Beats the Hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't it?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 16, 2016, 10:11:09 AM
An old joke but a good one. In my version the punch line is."Beats the Hell out of a ham sandwich doesn't it?"

I like your version better. 8)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 17, 2016, 12:24:29 AM
A young man was in a public mens room and noticed that the man at the urinal was hung like a mule.
"My God I wish I was hung like that"
"Well lad ye see I'm a leprecaun and we're all well hung. If ye really want it I can arrange for you to be hung like this, but ye see for it to work ye have to take me from behind".
The young man swallowed hard and said,"I suppose I can take it that way once if it will really get me hung like that"
When it was over the young man asked, "How long will it take to work?"
"Well lad that depends. How old are ye?"
"I'm 24"
"And yez still believes in leprecauns do ye?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 17, 2016, 05:30:58 AM
It took me a couple of minutes to put it together, but a good laugh to start my day! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 21, 2016, 07:08:24 PM
said the mistress of the house to the cook.
"Madie I hope you don't mind that I asked you to bake 10 loaves of bread today" "No m'am. I likes to knead bread dough. It always gets my hands so nice and clean".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on April 30, 2016, 05:02:59 AM
"I have several books on sewage disposal in my bookshop"

"Do they sell?"

"No; people come and look at them from time to time, but they're only going through the motions"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 30, 2016, 05:26:08 PM
The Pope was amazed to receive a phone call fron God.
"Your holiness I have some good and some bad news for you".
"What is the good news God?"
"I have decided that in order to end conflict I will accept worship only in one form".
"That's wonderful God but what is the bad news?"
"I'm calling from Salt Lake City".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 03, 2016, 06:29:44 AM
A man was at a urinal when he glanced at he guy next to him.
"Excuse me for asking but why does a black man like you have a white dingus?"
"I ain't black. I'm a coal miner on my honeymoon".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 03, 2016, 06:34:24 AM
(http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee124/Bloodmix/rimshot.gif)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 8/11/2015 6:17:31 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 03, 2016, 07:07:51 AM
"I have several books on sewage disposal in my bookshop"

"Do they sell?"

"No; people come and look at them from time to time, but they're only going through the motions"

I think this joke is what michael intended:

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the sewage treatment plant? He couldn't swim but he went through all the movements.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 03, 2016, 07:09:01 AM
"I have several books on sewage disposal in my bookshop"

"Do they sell?"

"No; people come and look at them from time to time, but they're only going through the motions"

I think this joke is what michael intended:

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the sewage treatment plant? He couldn't swim but he went through all the movements.

It does seem to flow better that way! >:D

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on May 03, 2016, 12:26:39 PM
A man was at a urinal when he glanced at he guy next to him.
"Excuse me for asking but why does a black man like you have a white dingus?"
"I ain't black. I'm a coal miner on my honeymoon".

Reminds me of the apartheid-era joke from South Africa:

Woman to South African Army officer: "Is the Army all white?"

Officer: "No ma'am, its officers are white but the privates are black"

Woman: "Golly, how exotic!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 09, 2016, 07:30:01 AM
The coroner needed positive ID on a body so the wife and mistress were called in. The wife said,"Yes that's him. Every time we went to bed I couldn't help noticing the word swan tattooed on his penis"
"That's odd" said the mistress, "When WE went to bed it said Saskatchewan".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 15, 2016, 08:39:49 PM
An explorer was speaking to a womans club about being stranded on a desert island.
" I found myself stranded and all I could find to eat was the pith of a plant that grew on the island and all I had to drink was a barrel of vinegar that had washed ashore."

"My goodness, you must have been terribly weak"

"On the contrary my dear; I found myself full of pith and vinegar".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 15, 2016, 08:41:32 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 24, 2016, 02:03:11 PM
Two spies were sentenced to death. They were told, "You have the right to make any request before you go before the firing squad".
The first said,"I would like to hear Billy Rae Cyrus sing, "Achy breaky heart".
"Very well. We will fly him in tomorrow". Then he turned to the other man, "And your request?"
"Shoot me before the plane lands".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 28, 2016, 02:49:32 PM
A man told his wife, "Your cooking ain't fit for a dog".
The wife put his plate on the floor and the dog gobbled it up. "There you see? He liked it".
"Oh yeah? Then why is he licking his ass to get the taste out of his mouth?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 28, 2016, 03:46:38 PM
A man told his wife, "Your cooking ain't fit for a dog".
The wife put his plate on the floor and the dog gobbled it up. "There you see? He liked it".
"Oh yeah? Then why is he licking his ass to get the taste out of his mouth?"

 >:D >:D >:D

Maybe that was desert? :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 16, 2016, 01:30:44 PM


An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 30, 2016, 02:54:09 PM
Seen on a hardware store sign

Hyphenated.
Non-hyphenated.
Oh, the irony..
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 30, 2016, 08:45:02 PM
Roy Blount Jr, on PHC, once mused, Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 01, 2016, 12:11:01 PM
When it was time to form country from a bunch of territories & provinces to our north, there was some disagreement about the name.

The Mohawk use nekantaa, the Onondaga ganataje, and the Seneca iennekanandaa, etc.

The only thing they could agree on was disagreement.

So they threw all 26 letters of the alphabet into a hat.

Two distinguished gentlemen in charge of the draw. One to draw the letters out, and the second to announce the letter.

He pulls a letter out and holds it up.

Announcer guy says, C, eh?

He pulls a second letter out and holds it up.

Announcer guy says, N, eh?

He pulls a third letter out and holds it up.

Second guy says, D, eh?

And hence was born the name Canada.
(http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee124/Bloodmix/rimshot.gif)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 09, 2016, 03:51:10 PM
They were putting up a building in a little boys neighborhood and he was fascinated by watching them work.That night he was laying on the floor peering at a toy block through his toy telescope.
"Mama" he called out, "move that block a cunt hair to the left".
"WHAT did you say?"
"I said move the block a cunt hair to the left"
"Young man, you go get me a switch."
"Get your own damn switch lady. I'm a surveyor not an electrician".
Must have been a union job.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on July 31, 2016, 10:45:15 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yPQ4guqMmI
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 31, 2016, 10:51:40 AM
Focus groups can really suck! >:D

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 31, 2016, 11:42:34 AM
An old man and lady were in a nursing home. He used to come to her room and they'd sit and watch television together. While they watched she would hold him in her hand - that's all, just hold it.
Suddenly he stopped coming by and began to visit another old lady down the hall instead.
Angry she stopped him and shouted, "What does she have that I don't"?
"Palsy". he replied.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 01, 2016, 12:43:51 PM
The foreman of a distillery informed a woman. "I'm so sorry but your husband Paddy fell into a vat of whiskey".Then he mused,"I truly think we could have saved him if he hadn't kept fighting us off and jumping back in".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 04, 2016, 05:22:12 PM
The Best Bill And Hillary Clinton Joke
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 04, 2016, 06:22:29 PM
I saw it coming but it's still a good one.  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 06, 2016, 05:59:01 PM
An oldie I think but topical:




At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am not a Pole, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 07, 2016, 05:43:45 PM
A mother asked her little girl, "Why don't you play with Johnie any more?"
"Cause he's always trying to look up my skirt to see my panties"
"Did you tell his mother?"
"No but I sure fooled him today".
"What did you do?"
"I didn't wear any".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 10, 2016, 05:14:42 AM
A mother asked her little girl, "Why don't you play with Johnie any more?"
"Cause he's always trying to look up my skirt to see my panties"
"Did you tell his mother?"
"No but I sure fooled him today".
"What did you do?"
"I didn't wear any".

That's an old one, too.

But still cute. ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 13, 2016, 12:07:13 PM

Muslim Book Store

 I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store..”

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.
 
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 19, 2016, 05:17:20 AM
Seem to recognise that joke from somewhere, David ;D

How about this one:


Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NSA. They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 19, 2016, 05:30:29 AM
Starting my day with a laugh! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

k-g

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 19, 2016, 05:41:41 AM
Thanks k-g, typo duly corrected.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 22, 2016, 07:58:04 PM

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one.

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 22, 2016, 08:35:31 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on September 10, 2016, 07:53:35 AM


CIA had a vacancy for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on September 10, 2016, 08:29:25 AM
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HddyGPmTvM8/TjOTX0NIcfI/AAAAAAAACL8/nJK0XWyyeQw/like_button_small.png)
Facebook FB Like Button with thumb small5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 10, 2016, 09:41:49 AM
Two hookers got drunk and decided to attend a revival meeting. They were sitting in the back row when one of them suddenly got the spirit. She ran to the sinners bench and shouted,"I've gone to bed with white men and black, soldiers, sailors and marines but tonight I sleep in the arms of Jesus". From the back row her friend shouted. "Atta girl Margie. Fug'm all."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 11, 2016, 02:12:11 PM
A hillbilly was sitting in the woods beside a pile of squirrels. A passerby said,"How did you get all those squirrels? You don't even have a gun"
"Wellsir you see how ugly I am. I just give the squirrel a ugly look and they die of a heart attack"
"I never heard of such a thing"
"Yessir. My wifes even better at it than me; but I made her quit".
"Why's that"?
"Aw she so ugly she was tearin them all to pieces".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 11, 2016, 02:26:19 PM
I went to a nudist camp and got such a sunburn baboons were coming around to stare at my butt.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on September 12, 2016, 06:41:05 AM

"A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It's actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 15, 2016, 01:33:33 AM
Three men were arrested and came up for araignment.
The judge asked the first man,"Why were you arrested?"
"Blowing bubbles in the park"
"Ridiculous, case dismissed"
He asked the same question of the next man. "I was also blowing bubbles in the park"
"Case dismissed"
He turned to the last man and said,"I suppose you were blowing bubbles in the park also?"
"No your honor - I'm Bubbles"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on September 15, 2016, 09:12:14 AM

A man died and went to Heaven.  As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on September 16, 2016, 12:09:33 PM
The last two are classics so old they have hair on 'em.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 16, 2016, 03:59:46 PM
The last two are classics so old they have hair on 'em.

David
Sure it's an old joke but I'm an old man. Some say I'm an old joke myself
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 17, 2016, 07:34:31 PM
 
Dear Abby;
I killed a butterfly and dad wouldn't let me have any butter for a month.
I killed a bee and dad wouldn't let me have any honey for a month.
Mom just killed a cockroach, should I tell he or wait for daddy to do it?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on September 29, 2016, 10:33:51 AM
One from the land of Oz:


Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub called the Roo Stop in a small country town outside of Alice Springs. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as some other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off….it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited all this time patiently, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it, mate”, said the truly proud farmer. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 29, 2016, 10:44:26 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on September 29, 2016, 10:58:38 AM
You'll appreciate this one, Billy:



The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the
birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she
once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you
surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
This one's black.'

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 29, 2016, 11:11:17 AM
Luvvit. ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 18, 2016, 09:16:40 AM

Politically incorrect content follows.

Prompted by this thread: http://www.sellersoapbox.com/index.php?topic=28467.msg368354;boardseen#new


A group of wealthy black entrepreneurs got together and were complaining about the dearth of toy stores for black children.

And they decided to collaborate, pool their resources, and create a chain of Afro-centric toy stores to compete directly with Toys R Us.

So they got it going.

Instead of Barbie dolls, they had Leshaniqua dolls for girls.

For boys, instead of G. I. Joe, they had Ghetto Joe toys.

And on, and on, including a black Santa in December.

Oh… the name of the store? We B Toys >:D
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 18, 2016, 12:50:38 PM
You remember Lu n Abner? I loved that show. I don't think they made it to TV but I used to listen on the radio. Pine Ridge Arkansas.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 18, 2016, 01:25:05 PM
You remember Lu n Abner? I loved that show. I don't think they made it to TV but I used to listen on the radio. Pine Ridge Arkansas.

No memories. Mostly before my time.

But next time you're down Ft. Smith way, there is apparently a Lum and Abner museum there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huddleston_Store_and_McKinzie_Store

The radio station I listen to the most plays vintage programs on Sunday night.
http://wamu.org/programs/the_big_broadcast
The Big Broadcast, WAMU 88.5's longest-running program, features a collection of vintage radio programs from the 1930s, '40s, and '50s. The show airs Sunday from 7 until 11 p.m. and has been a weekly feature on WAMU 88.5 since 1964. Host Murray Horwitz brings listeners shows like Gunsmoke, The Jack Benny Show, The Lone Ranger, Suspense, Fibber McGee and Molly, and Dragnet, placing them in the context of the time and linking the shows to current entertainment and events.

Quite fun. Johnny Dollar and such characters. :)

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 18, 2016, 02:48:56 PM
Doubt I'll ever make it out there again. I'm advised not to fly with this patched up heart, I don't drive and it's a pretty fur piece on a trike.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 21, 2016, 04:26:21 AM



Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die and arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should
go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 21, 2016, 05:36:55 AM
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 21, 2016, 10:18:27 AM
Goodun
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on November 02, 2016, 03:00:28 AM
A man called the family doctor in a panic, "Doc I was reloading some shotgun shells and my wife thought she was taking her pills, She swallowed three buckshot instead".
"Oh don't worry". said the doctor. 'They'll pass right through. It isn't dangerous".
"Hell it ain't. We had beans and cabbage for supper and when she bent over to pet the cat she shot my ol' hound dog right tween the eyes".
"Sorry to hear about your dog"
"It ain't the dog that worries me - she got two shots left".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on November 04, 2016, 03:21:09 PM
An old man was looking at the bills.
Honey I'm sorry but the only way we're gonna make it this month is for you to sell ***** on the street.
"My God I'm 75 years old. Who is gonna want to pay for sex with me?"
Next morning she comes home and says,"Here it is. five dollars and 25 cents".
Five dollars and 25 cents? Who the hell gave you the quarter?
EVERYBODY!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on November 05, 2016, 07:45:18 PM
The great God Thor decided to spend a night with a mortal woman. They went at it without a break the whole night. In the morning he got ready to go back to Olympus but decided the woman should know who she had the honor of sleeping with.
He drew himself to his full height and loudly proclaimed, "I am Thor"
"You're Thore? I'm tho thor I can't thit down".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 05, 2016, 07:48:45 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on November 10, 2016, 11:19:42 AM
Hear the one about the bride who on the wedding night, after the couple have made love, says, "I have a confession to make - I used to be a hooker."
The husband is a bit taken aback, but after thinking about it he finds it quite a turn-on, and asks his wife to tell him more about it.
"Well," she says, "my name was Kevin and I played for Wigan."

(that joke may not make much sense on your side of the Pond)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on November 11, 2016, 12:22:37 AM
As Michelle and Melenia tour the White House.  Melenia exclaims, I know the furniture is not going to fit in here.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 11, 2016, 06:00:30 AM
Hear the one about the bride who on the wedding night, after the couple have made love, says, "I have a confession to make - I used to be a hooker."
The husband is a bit taken aback, but after thinking about it he finds it quite a turn-on, and asks his wife to tell him more about it.
"Well," she says, "my name was Kevin and I played for Wigan."

(that joke may not make much sense on your side of the Pond)

Ya… I had to look up Wigan, and by that time the oomph is gone. :P

But it reminds me of the man applying for a job at a paper company…


HR guy: Your résumé is quite impressive. I believe we could use you in our Wisconsin mill. Of course it would require relocating to Green Bay.

Applicant: (scoffs) Green Bay! There's no-one there except football players and prostitutes!

HR guy: (offended) I'll have you know my mother lives in Green Bay!

Applicant: (quick on his feet) What position does she play?

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on November 11, 2016, 11:30:08 AM

Ya… I had to look up Wigan, and by that time the oomph is gone. :P

For once I got the joke without depending on Wikipedia. We took a train from Liverpool to Glasgow, and had to change trains in Wigan!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on November 12, 2016, 03:18:04 PM
WARNING _ RACIST JOKE AHEAD
Chinese guy walks into a bar where the bartender is black.
"Hey nigger gimme a jigger"
"Man that's racist and insulting. Here you be the bartender and I'll be the customer. I'll show you what I mean"
The Chinese guy gets behind the bar and the black guy walks up.
"Hey chink, gimme a drink"
"We don't serve niggers"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on November 14, 2016, 04:30:21 PM


A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on November 17, 2016, 12:20:48 PM


Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest
man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says, "This is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

He replies, “I lost - who the hell is Donald Trump?”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on December 08, 2016, 08:25:44 PM
A few quick man walks into a bar and says jokes.
Man walks into a bar and asks, "How big do penguins get?"
"Well the biggest is the emperor penguin. They're about three feet tall".
"They don't have any bigger ones?"
"nope"
"Shit I think I ran over a nun".
 *****
"I had a flat on the way here"
"How come?"
"I ran over a milk bottle"
"You couldn't see a milk bottle in the road?"
"Nah. The damn kid had it under his jacket""
*****
"I just ran over someone and he's stuck under my car".
Bartender picks up the phone calls 911
"Where did it happen"
"On the corner of Matamoros and Kilkenny streets"
"How do you spell that?"
" Screw it. I think I can drag him to Maple and Main. Tell them to meet me there"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 22, 2017, 01:41:11 PM
Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 22, 2017, 02:02:33 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^


Reminds me of an old one liner:

Q: What has 200 legs and eats potatoes?
A: The meat queue in Moscow.

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on January 22, 2017, 05:23:58 PM
So after Stalin dies, things begin to lighten up. Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech to a roomful of students telling them about Stalin's crimes A voice from the back shouts out "You were in the Politburo - why didn't you do anything?"

"Who said that?" thunders Khrushchev

Dead silence, nobody speaks  Again he demands "Who said that?"

After several long, awkward minutes, Khrushchev goes on in a much quieter voice "THAT's why we didn't"

(this is supposed to have been an actual event)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 09, 2017, 03:28:48 PM


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'.....
I remembered where I left me hat."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 09, 2017, 03:38:06 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 11, 2017, 02:58:17 PM
'Guess what dad? I just got my first blowjob"
"That's my boy! How did you like it?"
"Yech - tasted terrible".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 11, 2017, 04:43:14 PM
'Guess what dad? I just got my first blowjob"
"That's my boy! How did you like it?"
"Yech - tasted terrible".

(http://lh5.ggpht.com/_nv-fNdiZJiw/S9orpH869fI/AAAAAAAAAlM/je0MgGbo3UU/horseyucksmall.jpg)
Horse Yuck5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 11, 2017, 04:51:57 PM
Some people never get the point of the conversation.
A trainer waked over to a sleeping crocodile and tapped it on the head. The croc opened its mouth and the trainer unzipped and put his pecker into the crocs mouth while he masturbated. He zipped back up, turned to the audience and asked, "Anyone else want to try that?"
Somebody in the audience yelled back, "I don't care how hard you hit me on the head. I can't keep my mouth open that long".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 11, 2017, 05:54:02 PM
Some people never get the point of the conversation.
A trainer waked over to a sleeping crocodile and tapped it on the head. The croc opened its mouth and the trainer unzipped and put his pecker into the crocs mouth while he masturbated. He zipped back up, turned to the audience and asked, "Anyone else want to try that?"
Somebody in the audience yelled back, "I don't care how hard you hit me on the head. I can't keep my mouth open that long".

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on March 09, 2017, 04:47:58 PM
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on March 09, 2017, 05:51:39 PM
How do you know when you are at a gay picnic?

The hotdogs taste like shit.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on March 30, 2017, 09:37:02 AM
Some one liners:

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WELL!!  We'll just see about that!

I think my neighbour is stalking me - she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't"


"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 30, 2017, 09:54:12 AM
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WELL!!  We'll just see about that!

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^



I'm not schizophrenic… and neither am I! :P

k-g
Title: A man goes to the doctor for a physical.
Post by: bubba on April 07, 2017, 08:33:19 AM
The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating."

The man says, "Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 07, 2017, 09:14:58 AM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Ahh. the imagery! :P

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 07, 2017, 05:44:15 PM
An Indian boy asked his father how he got his name.
"When a child is born the father has a dream about something important that happened at the time he was conceived"
"Is that how I got my name father?"
"Yes busted rubber".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 12, 2017, 02:20:22 PM
During WW2 an American soldier was riding an English train. He was recovering from wounds and was exhausted. Al of the seats were full but on one sat a small dog beside an upper class lady. The soldier asked her to hold the dog on her lap so he could sit down and looking down her nose at him she said, "Fifi is using that seat. Go away you ruffian". The soldier opened the window, threw the dog out and sat down. The woman began screaming for help and an Englishman across the aisle, looked at the soldier and said. "You Yanks do everything wrong. You eat with the fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now b'god you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 12, 2017, 02:24:36 PM
(OOPS Double post. Sorry)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Boston Mike on April 13, 2017, 04:45:43 PM
German humor:

An oxymoron if I ever heard one. >:D

k-g
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While waiting, he notices a woman coming out of the men's room
and stuffing what looks like money into her bra.

A couple of minutes later, he notices her coming out again and stuffing money into her bra.

A few minutes later he sees the same scene again. Overcome by curiosity, he walks to the other end of the bar
and says to her "pardon my curiosity, but can you tell me what you have just been doing"?

She says "sure. I bet the man that I can pee higher on the wall than he could." He said "what? I'd be happy to
take that bet". So they go inside, and she kicks up her lake and gets a stream about 6 inches (15 cm) up the wall.

He laughs, and pulls out his tool and starts to go, when she says "Just a minute   ...










NO HANDS!!"

(Moment, bitte -- ohne Hände!!)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on April 20, 2017, 12:22:43 PM

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 20, 2017, 01:10:37 PM
(http://www.cinfotech.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/teenembarrased-186x186.jpg)


 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on April 21, 2017, 04:13:40 AM

A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: 86 on April 21, 2017, 06:35:21 AM

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

funny but oil based paint wouldn't wash off in the rain?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on April 21, 2017, 09:01:13 AM

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

funny but oil based paint wouldn't wash off in the rain?


Pedant! ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 21, 2017, 01:42:16 PM
Never let facts get in the way of a good joke.

One night there was a terrible hailstorm and all the cars parked outside got digs from the hail. A blond took her car to a body shop that was overloaded with work. The mechanic told her how to fix it herself.
Later that day her sister (also blond) saw her lying on the driveway with the tailpipe in her mouth. She asked what she was doing.
"They told me that if I blew on the tailpipe real hard the dings would pop out"
"Oh you're so stupid. You forgot to roll up the windows".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 22, 2017, 10:07:29 AM
An African king lived in a grass hut. One day he bought an elaborate throne which he placed on the roof but the throne crashed through and killed him.
The moral is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 22, 2017, 08:04:49 PM
A man was surprised to see a nun on the sidewalk outside a café so he asked if he could help her. "Well I've never had a drink and of course I can't go in but they are all laughing and singing so I thought I'd just listen to the fun for awhile".
"Of course sister and if you'd like to try a drink I can bring it out to you. What would you like?"
"Well I've heard them speak of a drink, I think it's called a martoonie".
The man went to the bar and said. " A beer for me and a he he martoonie for a friend".
The bartender looked at the door and asked, "Is that damn drunken nun out there again?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: 86 on April 23, 2017, 09:37:33 AM

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

funny but oil based paint wouldn't wash off in the rain?


Pedant! ;D

sorry bout that, I'm a house painter
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 23, 2017, 11:45:18 AM
We kids used to annoy my Scots grandfather by chanting, "There's a moos in the hoos get im ott get im oot".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 23, 2017, 12:14:53 PM
We kids used to annoy my Scots grandfather by chanting, "There's a moos in the hoos get im ott get im oot".

For reasons I can't fathom, many in Tidewater and Central VA have a similar accent.

An aquaintance of mine makes fun of his own speech, No doot aboot it, there's a moose aboot the hoos!

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on May 04, 2017, 12:25:33 PM


An Aussie owned a small farm in the outback.

The Australian  Department of Primary Works claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
  "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
  "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Farmer
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 04, 2017, 12:31:35 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 04, 2017, 12:46:00 PM
A waitress from Scotland had a thick accent. A patron remarked, "You certainly roll your Rs".
"It's these dommed high heels the boss makes me wear", she replied.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: jazz on May 15, 2017, 04:04:17 PM
David Crosby accidentally drove his car into Mick Jagger & Keith Richards proving you can kill two Stones with one Byrd!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 15, 2017, 04:07:41 PM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 08, 2017, 12:23:50 PM
David Crosby accidentally drove his car into Mick Jagger & Keith Richards proving you can kill two Stones with one Byrd!

Romy, you've been in Britain too much You're catching our sense of humor

Here's today's offering:



The Mexicans were asked how they felt about Trump's wall.

They replied that they were quite upset but they would get over it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 08, 2017, 12:34:29 PM

The Mexicans were asked how they felt about Trump's wall.

They replied that they were quite upset but they would get over it.

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 20, 2017, 02:14:17 PM
Did you hear about the chap who heard that facebook and twitter separated the users from the real world, so he went out one morning and started telling every passer-by about what he had for breakfast and showed them pictures of his cat. Within 30 minutes he had three followers - one was a cop and two were psychiatric nurses..............
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 22, 2017, 03:21:09 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a gin........................................................................and tonic."

Bartender says, "Sure, buddy, but what's up with the long pause?"

The bear looks at his hands and say, "I dunno, my dad had them too."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 22, 2017, 03:23:35 PM
…the horse walks into the bar & the bartender says, Hi, pal! Why the long face?

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 02, 2017, 02:21:52 PM
A woman pregnant with triplets wlaks into a bank. A robber happens to come by that day and shoots her three times in the abdomen. She's later taken to the hospital and gives birth to her three children, and they are unharmed.

15 years later, the woman is sitting in the dining room, drinking coffee.
The first daughter comes up to her and says,"Mommy, mommy! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother tells her the story about the bank robber.
The second daughter comes up to her and says,"Mommy, mommy! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother tells her the story.
The son comes up to her and says,"Mommy, mommy!"
She says,"Let me guess. You were peeing and a bullet came out."
He replies,"No! I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on July 12, 2017, 03:47:03 PM
Supermarkets in the US have been instructed not to sell shredded cheese
 in order to make America grate again.?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on July 12, 2017, 10:49:44 PM
groant - combination of groan and great
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on July 20, 2017, 09:56:31 AM

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 20, 2017, 10:36:01 AM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM

I've probably shared this before, but that reminds me of…

The Mexican woman who bore twins. Named them José and Hose-B. :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on July 20, 2017, 10:43:07 AM



    Man to butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles. "

     Butcher: " So would I."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 20, 2017, 10:48:48 AM
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/_nv-fNdiZJiw/S9orpH869fI/AAAAAAAAAlM/je0MgGbo3UU/horseyucksmall.jpg)
Horse Yuck5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on July 20, 2017, 01:48:44 PM
A cop calls his sergeant, "We're at a house and a woman shot her husband for walking on the floor she just washed."

"Did you arrest her?"

"Not yet, the floor's still wet."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: cate on July 20, 2017, 03:05:06 PM




        What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on July 21, 2017, 10:28:18 AM




        What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.

Define "innuendo"

An Italian suppository.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 21, 2017, 04:25:33 PM




        What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.

Define "innuendo"

An Italian suppository.

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Don't tell Jazz! >:D

k-g
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 04, 2017, 04:00:37 AM

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 05, 2017, 08:50:33 AM
Why is Donald Trump like atoms?






They make up everything.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on August 24, 2017, 01:14:10 PM
A man on his Harley was riding along a Victorian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
 
God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful  to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."
 
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your  desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says  nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
 
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 24, 2017, 01:55:12 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 02, 2017, 02:05:03 PM
 Heisenberg was driving down the autobahn one day when a cop pulled him over.

The cop leaned in his window and said "Sir, do you know what speed you were doing".

To which Heisenberg replied "No, but I know where I am".


Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 02, 2017, 08:16:25 AM
In honor of my post-colonoscopy status (everything was fine, BTW)

I sat next to the Duchess at tea
It was just as I feared it would be
  Her rumblings abdominal
  Were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 02, 2017, 08:40:07 AM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Glad all is well! :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 03, 2017, 07:59:48 AM


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

 He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine." He lost 33 lbs that week.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 03, 2017, 08:50:09 AM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on December 13, 2017, 11:52:23 AM

Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'

Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'

Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.

He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.

'F*ck me thats amazing!' says the Landlord.

'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man.

Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'

The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'

'Well, what's the problem?'

'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'

'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.'

He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, stuffs it under the other arm, takes the lid off and blows out the candle.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on December 13, 2017, 12:00:45 PM
Cold. Very cold. >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on December 13, 2017, 02:49:27 PM
Woman finds a suitcase, upon opening it she finds it full of foxes so she rings the RSPCA.
 
“I’ve found a suitcase full of foxes”
“Are they moving ?”
“Oh, that accounts for the suitcase then”.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 13, 2017, 05:42:33 PM
How do you know if someone is a vegan?




Just wait a minute, they'll tell you.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on December 13, 2017, 06:15:32 PM
How do you know if someone is a vegan?




Just wait a minute, they'll tell you.

so true :-\
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 16, 2017, 07:46:24 PM
(http://www.city-data.com/forum/attachments/renting/193207d1513018089-new-tenant-rules-57ac805c36d9e80cdd048bcca61f6e19.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on February 04, 2018, 11:19:43 AM
A woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot, but the one she chooses has led its formative years in a brothel.

When she gets it home she reomoves the cloth covering the cage, and the parrot says "Oooh! New place - very nice"
Then the two daughters of the woman come into the room;
"Oooh - new girls too" says the parrot.
Then the woman's husband comes into the room.
 The parrot takes one look and says:
"Hello, Keith"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on February 04, 2018, 11:46:36 AM
"Hello, Keith"

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Poor Keith! >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 26, 2018, 07:54:37 AM
Magnum Mike rode into an hot desert town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did at the last saloon! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in that thar bar!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in that last saloon?" Mike turned back and said, "I walked home."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 26, 2018, 08:02:51 AM
The Postman....
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only
the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. Your name came up 7 times.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 15, 2018, 09:35:29 PM
Branch manager and assistant branch manager
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 15, 2018, 09:37:08 PM
how lawyers really feel
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 30, 2018, 09:52:35 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/4mKzs.jpg)

"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on May 30, 2018, 04:56:08 PM
 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on June 11, 2018, 04:47:58 PM


One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He eventually comes round to find himself in Hell, and he starts wandering around the place. Eventually he finds the devil and walks over to him.

"Ahhhh...Mr Trump", he exclaims "I've been expecting you. You present me with a bit of a problem though, because we're actually full down here - I haven't got any vacancies. But I can't let you go, as you've actually been quite bad - so I'll tell you what we'll do...we've actually got three people down here who haven't been quite as bad as you. We'll pick one of them to go to Heaven, and you can take their place. I'll even let you choose who it's going to be."

Donald says "OK then", and the devil walks him up this corridor, with various doors off to the side.

The devil opens the door of the first room, and inside is Barack Obama. There's also a deep pool of dark water, and Barack keeps jumping in, searching for something under the water which he never finds, and repeatedly comes up gasping for air. He does this 24-hours-a-day. That is his fate in hell.

Donald looks at this and says "No, I could never do that - I'm not a very good swimmer and it would ruin my hair."

So the Devil takes him to the second room and opens the door. Inside is Tony Blair, wielding a sledgehammer, smashing rocks. He's sweating buckets and this is what he does, 24-hours a day - that is his fate in Hell.

Donald looks at this and says "Oh no, I could never do that...I have a little arthritis in my right shoulder. This would never work for me".

So the Devil says "It'll have to be the last one then", and walks up to the third door, which he opens. Donald looks in and what he sees astonishes him. Inside this room is Bill Clinton, tied naked to a bed. Kneeling over him, doing what she does best, is Monica Lewinsky. Bill is clearly having a good time".

Donald says "Oh boy! yes...this is the one for me"

And the devil says "No problem...that's fine. OK Monica, you're free to go".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 11, 2018, 05:09:56 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on June 12, 2018, 12:39:06 AM
Michael wasn't expecting that.   >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 12, 2018, 04:24:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 28, 2018, 07:27:14 PM
A man called 911 and said, "I was reloading some shotgun shells and my wife thought the pellets were her medicine so she swallowed three of them". The 911 operator said, "don'e worry. They'll go right through with no harm"
"You don't understand. We had a meal of beans and cabbage and when she bent over to pet the cat she shot my best hound dog"
"Sorry about your dog sir".
"Taint the dog that worries me"
"What worries you then?"
"Well we ain't been getting along too well and she still has two shots left".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 28, 2018, 09:17:31 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on July 29, 2018, 07:57:48 AM
Must be 00

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 29, 2018, 11:31:39 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked,"Does anyone know where Jesus is?'
Johnny stuck his hand up and said,"He's in my bathroom".
"What in the world makes you think he's in your bathroom?"
"Well, every morning my father jumps out of bed, runs down the hall and beats on the bathroom door. Then he hollers."Jesus Christ are you still in there?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on August 26, 2018, 12:33:44 AM
How to handle belligerence:

An award should go to the United Airlines
gate agent in New York for being smart and funny,
while making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal
with an irate customer, this one is for you.



A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line
of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly,
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal..

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and
said, "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 26, 2018, 07:07:00 AM
Bravo! 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 26, 2018, 04:36:28 PM
I like the one where a boogie snob asks "Do you know who my father is?" And the answer is, of course..... "That would be a question for your mother."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 26, 2018, 07:23:45 PM
The little pig asked his mama who his daddy was. His mama said,"How in hell should I know? He was behind me".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 27, 2018, 12:18:16 PM
Just found this on minds.com
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 27, 2018, 01:08:36 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 27, 2018, 02:50:48 PM
Just found this on minds.com

Good one  ;D ;D  ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 09, 2018, 04:53:26 PM
A Russian comisar was walking with his wife when she said,"Look dear. is snowing"
"Nyet!! is raining"
"I  say is snowing"
The comisar puffed out his chest and proclaimed, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on September 09, 2018, 04:57:37 PM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 13, 2018, 09:09:19 PM
A couple had been married for 50 years. The husband died and the wife decided to shoot herself in her broken heart. To be sure she got it right she called her doctor and asked him how to locate her heart. The doctor said,"It's below your left breast", so she shot herself in the knee.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 13, 2018, 09:39:23 PM
Games for old people:
Hide and go pee
Pin the toupe on the bald guy
Simon says something I can't hear
Red rover red rover. The nurse says bend over.

An old couple were sitting on the couch. The wife said, "Lets go upstairs and make love like we used to"
The husband said, "Pick on or the other. I can't do both the same night"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on September 13, 2018, 10:38:19 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

An elderly husband & wife, just sitting around looking at each other, as geezers tend to do…

Husband: Let's go for a walk!

Wife: Isn't it windy outside?

Husband: No! It's Thursday!

Wife: Me, too! Let's go get a beer!

(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/YAaFOw2nz-JFfrk2dBnEbL06JPE_NmCngp2g7qDgDC-uOUSuLChlK_eFVin0O58PxbAhf0JYZibuEbtORydPZkqhsBraGg1DvHQ1lTioZ4KSIUFwhWKw08-7VIEYFkC8hgw_9roOrPNFBcI5Itks_6xCbPRqqbLrtfOnRd0kLIO7kOFeEdv_jjGq857ZkiV9cGW-XU2GesOrj39RdmKbvtHbXImYhN2Lx8g_wcI8J61mnHM-8fTlZAQCxm_WLZ8IfPO1959yBUu2NYbxoQ3GzGHuY7OvFuzSprF-NUBnJWIehuc6DmNf8e7Lw5uaVJjXgGNHHHf7HmEx3ZQ28ZkxCtZV2cNdG02CYfLgq8YfAld7DPXHRsnS5lGaSWXI5ENS_LFPZzg-1KjKCjukDHKfx1k6c7LCCtSIvmJwhVuS9gA_1sZ-IkjJCdnWCyJjbAqsGpm0bEiFkTk9eIB6f0nRvQeIbk7P0blLQoC6enovCn7pFYioPcJ3rQtwlnLqWf5NSRNMGjZjLSh5l6L_5ATjEiqaX2ZL_Yh-1ZtNTFJAlnc2qcDDlaaQOXCR6Ju5H-NPn9VlyhsgV0CjpE_9-xSPKI6CTyb0e9h5g5XtkfHDwct0yL5R=w48-h34-no)
Rim Shot Drums Snare Cymbal 5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 24, 2018, 06:50:24 AM
The police served a search warrant on a guy's house - cops look but can't find any drugs, guns or other illegal things.

Finally one asks the guy - "Do you have any pornography?"

Guy answers, "No, I don't even own a pornograph!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 02, 2018, 12:06:20 PM
Burglars are getting extremely clever these days... Last night my wife wakes me up like "baby baby there's a burglar downstairs".  So I go check every room and didn't find anyone. It was at this moment I realized I don't have a wife and when I come back to my room, my bed, tv and phone were all gone.?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 05, 2018, 08:35:04 PM
Good one.   ;D

A trucker was towing a car carrier. He got within a few miles when his headlights suddenly went out.
To make it the last few miles he climbed up and turned on the headlights of the front car figuring that would keep him on the road for the few miles he had left.
Suddenly a car coming the other way swerved off the road and into a tree. The trucker ran over to help and there sat a drunk in the drivers seat.
"Good God man. You could have killed yourself!"said the trucker
"What the Hell's the difference? If that thing was as wide as it was tall I'd have been dead anyway".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on October 07, 2018, 08:23:45 AM
Two sharks swimming spot a sinking boat with survivors in the water.  Father shark says to son, swim to them and circle with your fin just out of the water.  So they did.  Then Father shark says now circle with your fin all the way out of the water.  They did.  Father shark says now it's time to eat.  They ate their fill.  Little shark asks, why didn't we just eat as soon as we arrived.  Father shark tells his son, they taste much better when you scare the shit out of them.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on October 18, 2018, 11:45:30 AM
Thought this was a bit humorous
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 19, 2018, 10:23:53 AM
LOL!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 19, 2018, 12:27:23 PM
I was thinkin' a male OB/Gyn could figger it out. :P
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 28, 2018, 03:28:01 PM
A young lady was in a cab. When they got to her destination she said, "I don't have any money. Could you take the fare out of this?" She pulled up her skirt and pulled down her panties. The cab driver took one look and said, "Jesus lady; don't you have anything smaller?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on October 28, 2018, 09:03:58 PM
To whoever stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 28, 2018, 09:25:23 PM
To whoever stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now.

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 29, 2018, 11:30:35 AM

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can GET two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 29, 2018, 12:00:25 PM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on October 29, 2018, 06:24:07 PM

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can GET two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Love it! Mind if I copy this and put it on one of the public forums? Maybe get some new members if they know how funny we are  :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on October 29, 2018, 06:37:15 PM
No worries, Tim, go right ahead.

Here's a Thanksgiving special:-


     

    Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
    Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
    "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
    I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
    "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on October 29, 2018, 10:46:37 PM
LOL ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on November 17, 2018, 04:58:53 PM
Good one.
 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on November 21, 2018, 09:24:58 AM
Looking from the outside in.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 23, 2018, 08:11:22 AM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 13, 2018, 10:28:44 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cyIxkFLjWI
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on December 13, 2018, 10:29:17 PM
That was funny as hell. The old boy has a great sense of humor.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: tiger lilly on December 23, 2018, 06:02:37 PM
At the end of their date, a young man takes the girl back to her home.
He decides to try for that first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn't do that. My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us."
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes, you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice, the sister says : "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 02, 2019, 07:31:49 PM
Just heard this on As it Happens…

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 06, 2019, 01:01:57 PM
Limerick time.

There once was a man from Dundee
Who raped an ape in a tree
The result was quite horrid
All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 06, 2019, 06:37:58 PM
I was at a bar the other night when the waitress yelled,"Anybody know CPR?"
I said,"Hell I know the entire alphabet".
Everybody laughed - well except for this one guy.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 15, 2019, 01:34:33 PM
On the night of the wedding the husband took off his pants and tossed them to the new wife. "Try these on. See if you can wear them". So she tried them on, "Honey these are too big. I can't wear them"
"OK.Just remember who wears the pants in this family".
So she tossed her panties to him and asked him to try them on.  "Honey I can't get into your pants"
"No you can't. Not till you change that damn attitude".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on January 15, 2019, 05:16:55 PM
Touché 8)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 16, 2019, 08:14:33 PM
On the night of the wedding the husband took off his pants and tossed them to the new wife. "Try these on. See if you can wear them". So she tried them on, "Honey these are too big. I can't wear them"
"OK.Just remember who wears the pants in this family".
So she tossed her panties to him and asked him to try them on.  "Honey I can't get into your pants"
"No you can't. Not till you change that damn attitude".

One of MrBubba's favorite jokes. Here's another one.

A middle aged man marries a middle aged woman after a brief courtship. On their wedding night, he gets into bed and watches as his bride removes makeup, takes off false eyelashes, removes her wig, pops out a glass eye, plucks out two falsies and unstraps a wooden leg. She senses him watching and asks "What?" He replies, "When you get to the part I want, just toss it over."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on January 24, 2019, 12:48:44 PM
A carpenters apprentice was nailing some boards on a wall. The carpenter noticed that he was throwing half the nails away so he asked what was going on.
"The dumasses put the head on the wrong end on half these nails".
"You're the dumass - those nails are for the opposite wall".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 16, 2019, 11:40:09 PM
 a salesman dropped by a hillbilly shack and was offered a drink of shine.
"I don't drink".
The hillbilly pointed a gun at him."Drink er I put a hole in your brisket".
So the salesman downed it and sputtered,"That's the vilest stuff I ever tasted".
"Haint it though? Here you take the gun an make me take a drink".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on February 17, 2019, 08:09:52 AM
LOL!!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 15, 2019, 09:00:52 AM
a salesman dropped by a hillbilly shack and was offered a drink of shine.
"I don't drink".
The hillbilly pointed a gun at him."Drink er I put a hole in your brisket".
So the salesman downed it and sputtered,"That's the vilest stuff I ever tasted".
"Haint it though? Here you take the gun an make me take a drink".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 15, 2019, 09:24:28 AM
Two nuns are riding bicycles down a road and the first
nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the
second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestones!"

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian replies, "They're right behind you!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on May 15, 2019, 12:37:08 PM
Two nuns are riding bicycles down a road and the first
nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the
second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestones!"

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 19, 2019, 03:27:01 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 19, 2019, 03:29:42 PM
What did the right testicle say to the left testicle?

"How come we're hanging? That prick in the middle did all the shooting".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 20, 2019, 06:15:11 PM
God said to Adam, "I can make you a helpmate that will happily cook for you, do your washing and clean up your house. She will love you forever and think you are the greatest man on Earth".
Adam replied, "OK, what's the catch?"
"It will cost you an arm and a leg".
Adam thought for a moment and asked,"What can I get for a rib"?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 01, 2019, 11:18:23 AM
A bear asked a rabbit, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur"?
The rabbit replied, "No, I don't have that problem".
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 01, 2019, 02:02:10 PM
I was going to buy that book, "The Power of Positive Thinking", but then I thought, What good would that do?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 01, 2019, 06:49:05 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: erltprl2 on June 09, 2019, 12:05:59 AM
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 11, 2019, 03:10:08 PM
My brother in law swore he saw this happen.
A Mexican crew were harvesting a farmers crop. The foreman asked if any of them could drive a truck. One man said, "My uncle he can drive but he don't look so good". The foreman said, "I don't give a damn what he looks like just tell him to drive the truck around to the other side of the field".
The man got into the truck and BAM right into a tree. "Damn it! that mans half blind".

"Si", said the worker, "I tole you he don't look so good".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on June 11, 2019, 08:42:11 PM
Saw that coming a mile away.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 12, 2019, 08:15:58 AM
Saw that coming a mile away.

David

You DO look good.

Guy asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book on small penises?"

She checks the computer, "I don't think it's in yet."

"That's the one!!"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 14, 2019, 12:39:56 PM
:) :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 21, 2019, 09:03:50 AM
An old man is sitting on his porch when Johnny walks by carrying something.
"What you got there Johnny?"
"Chicken wire, gonna catch me some chickens"
"Durn fool. You can't catch chickens with chicken wire"
That evening Johnny comes by with thirty chickens tangled up in chicken wire.
Next morning he walks by again carrying something.
"Watcha got there Johnny?"
"Duct tape, gonna catch me some ducks"
"Durn little fool. You can't catch ducks with duct tape"
That evening Johnny shows up with thirty ducks stuck to duct tape.
He walks by again the third morning dragging a branch.
"Watcha got there Johnny?"
"Pussy willow"
"Hold up. Let me get my hat"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on June 21, 2019, 09:44:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on June 24, 2019, 01:29:25 PM


The Dilemma

1. An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in years. He woke his wife and showed her his erection. “Look at that!” he exclaimed happily. “What do you think we should do with it?”


2. His wife replied, “Well, seeing as you’ve got all the wrinkles out, now might be a good time to wash it.”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on June 25, 2019, 10:30:55 PM
If I could still raise one I'd shellac it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on June 25, 2019, 10:38:21 PM
If I could still raise one I'd shellac it.

I know a taxidermist… >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 01, 2019, 03:25:34 PM
Britain was trying to get influence in Africa so they decided to send a throne as a peace offering to an African king. It ended up at a tribe who lived in grass huts. The king decided to display it on top of his hut so all the people could admire it. Unfortunately it crashed through the roof killing him.
MORAL: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on July 02, 2019, 07:54:03 AM
Thought this was a neat practical joke.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 02, 2019, 10:04:00 AM
Thought this was a neat practical joke.

David

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on July 02, 2019, 06:31:23 PM
Bill Clinton died and went to Hell. The devil says you can go into any room but you must stay there for  eternity.

He opens the first door and there is a girl giving a blowjob.

Clinton says I don't have to look any farther. I want that room.

The devil says. OK Monica. You can go to heaven now. Bill Clinton is taking over.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 02, 2019, 06:41:13 PM
Bill Clinton died and went to Hell. The devil says you can go into any room but you must stay there for  eternity.

He opens the first door and there is a girl giving a blowjob.

Clinton says I don't have to look any farther. I want that room.

The devil says. OK Monica. You can go to heaven now. Bill Clinton is taking over.


OOOOOO
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on July 04, 2019, 03:42:03 PM
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stu
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on July 04, 2019, 03:44:04 PM
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HddyGPmTvM8/TjOTX0NIcfI/AAAAAAAACL8/nJK0XWyyeQw/like_button_small.png)
Facebook FB Like Button with thumb small5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: michael233 on July 22, 2019, 06:08:03 AM

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,
let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you s*** on its head.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on July 22, 2019, 06:44:41 AM
There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at
the ranch. He was out of
work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride,
and went to the other ranch
in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.
After a few weeks, he asked, "What do you do when you feel the need for some female companionship - it's so far to town here." The other hands just pointed at the sheep and winked.
 So he
squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind
the shed. After a moment,
the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants,
to see the other guys all
laughing at him.
Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said,
"Was I not supposed to screw
the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out the ugliest
one."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 07, 2019, 09:36:05 AM
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bathroom visit could spell disaster.


I was walking home late one night and a girl asked if I would walk her past the cemetery because she was scared. I agreed, and told her, "I used to be afraid of walking past the cemetery at night too.... when I was alive."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 12, 2019, 07:21:43 PM
Here you go
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 13, 2019, 02:14:11 PM
Keeping the Faith

1. A Jewish man came back to Israel after living in America for many years. “But where is your beard?” asked his mother upon seeing him for the first time in years.

2. “Mama,” he replied. “In America, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least you keep the Sabbath?” Mama then asked.

“Mama, business is business,” replied the son. “In America everybody works on the Sabbath.”
3. “But you still eat kosher food?” asked Mama.

Her son replied, “Mama, in America, it’s very difficult to keep kosher.”

Mama thinks for a moment and then leans over and whispers in his ear. “Tell me, are you still circumcised?”
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 17, 2019, 02:46:21 PM
It was milk and cookie time in Kindergarten. The teacher was passing out cookies and when she came to Johnny he said, "I don't fuggin want one".
The teacher called his mother and she came down to see what the trouble was.
She offered Johnny a cookie and he again said, "I don't fuggin want one". The teacher asked the mother, "Did you hear what he said?"
The mother shrugged her shoulders and replied, "So? Don't fuggin give him one".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 22, 2019, 07:51:51 PM
I was skeptical a chiropractor could help me. But I stand corrected.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 23, 2019, 12:19:38 AM
I was skeptical a chiropractor could help me. But I stand corrected.
Wife has been getting relief by chiropractic treatments for 30 years or more.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 23, 2019, 07:55:23 AM
two cow jokes

What do you call a cow masturbating?
Beef-strokin-off.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on August 23, 2019, 09:55:20 AM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 23, 2019, 07:37:15 PM
two cow jokes

What do you call a cow masturbating?
Beef-strokin-off.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What she using?  Hooves make it tough. I can't imagine a bull masturbating.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 23, 2019, 07:43:33 PM
Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,  'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
 
The cop was happy and left the shop.


The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Liberal MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,  'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
 
The MP was very happy and left the shop.


The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Liberal MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”
Aug 23, 2019, 17:40 · Web · 0 · 0

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on August 24, 2019, 12:58:43 PM
I was skeptical a chiropractor could help me. But I stand corrected.
Wife has been getting relief by chiropractic treatments for 30 years or more.

David

r/wooosh
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on August 28, 2019, 09:15:17 PM
A man was dying so he called in his doctor, his lawyer and his priest.
He told them, "I'm dying but I want to take my money with me. I'll give you each $150,000 if you promise to put it in my coffin".
The three met after the funeral and the priest said, "My conscience is bothering me. I only put $100,00 in the coffin. I gave the rest to the church"
The doctor said, "I didn't put it all in either. I put in $50,000 in the coffin and gave the rest to the hospital".
The lawyer said, "You should both be ashamed of cheating a dead man. I put it all in the coffin. I wrote a check for $150,00".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on September 04, 2019, 09:24:37 AM
I suffer from a fear of elevators, but I'm taking steps to avoid it.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on September 25, 2019, 02:10:43 PM
A married couple had four sons. Three were dark haired like their parents but one was redheaded. The husband became suspicious and decided to have a DNA test done. When the test came back it showed that he was indeed the father. He apologized to his wife for doubting her then went off to work.
Later that day a neighbor dropped by for coffee and gossip and this conversation took place after the wife told her about it.
"It must have been very upsetting for you"
"It sure was. I was scared to death he'd test the other three".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on October 01, 2019, 09:53:10 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6Q6_8EyRYY
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 03, 2019, 12:28:43 PM
That guy is tougher than Evil Kanievel.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 03, 2019, 12:52:55 PM
That guy is tougher than Evil Kanievel.

A few Darwin jokes come to mind. :-[
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 04, 2019, 03:33:13 PM
That guy is tougher than Evil Kanievel.


A few Darwin jokes come to mind. :-[

I didn't say he was smart- just tough. :)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 22, 2019, 04:21:27 PM
Two drunks at a bar were talking
"I was married three times. The first wife died after eating poison mushrooms. The second one died of a fractured skull"
"How did she get a fractured skull?"
"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on October 22, 2019, 04:38:10 PM
Cold, Billy. Cold! >:D
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on October 26, 2019, 04:57:17 PM
A man giving his breakfast order to a waitress, "I want the orange juice very bitter. Slimy almost raw eggs, burn the toast and the bacon should be greasy and cold".
"I can't serve you a breakfast like that".
"Why not? You did yesterday".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on November 02, 2019, 09:25:25 AM
Sister sent this
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 02, 2019, 01:07:58 PM
 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on November 03, 2019, 04:01:48 PM
https://www.facebook.com/103495051011873/videos/1659112197559273/
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 03, 2019, 06:58:11 PM
What do you call a fashion-conscious dinosaur?


Tri-several-tops.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 07, 2019, 10:35:09 AM
It doesn't matter how far you push the envelope. It will still be stationery.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 07, 2019, 10:43:48 AM
(http://rabbittalk.com/images/smilies/groan.gif)
Groan emoticon5/19/2016 4:36:15 PM
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 10, 2019, 10:14:12 AM
One on one with Kellyanne Conway (turn on sound)
https://twitter.com/PuffDomino/status/1192940131210203137 (https://twitter.com/PuffDomino/status/1192940131210203137)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 10, 2019, 04:55:58 PM
One on one with Kellyanne Conway (turn on sound)
https://twitter.com/PuffDomino/status/1192940131210203137 (https://twitter.com/PuffDomino/status/1192940131210203137)

LMAO.

If it wasn't so raucous I'd play it multiple times a day! (As I do Baby Shark)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on November 16, 2019, 10:45:42 AM
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on November 16, 2019, 11:40:59 PM
Aaaaack! Oh, Bubba! >:D

(I'll be sure to remember that.)
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on December 03, 2019, 12:00:36 PM
I installed one of those chair lifts on my stairs. It's literally driving me up the wall.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on January 10, 2020, 06:27:43 AM
I can't stand elevator music. It bothers me on so many levels.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on February 05, 2020, 01:09:37 AM
In a cafeteria,
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on February 05, 2020, 01:10:51 AM
When I found out that my toaster was waterproof, I was shocked.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on February 05, 2020, 01:12:14 AM
Did you know, before the crowbar was inventer, crows used to just drink at home?
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on February 05, 2020, 01:14:16 AM
I don't appreciate the way my friend said she watched a dwarf felon climbing down the outside of a prison fence. It was a little condescending.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on February 13, 2020, 10:59:27 AM
My friend died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept saying “Be positive” but it’s hard without him...
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Old and In The Way (aka Lake) on February 20, 2020, 02:45:22 PM
Did you hear about the brown paper cowboy, who rode the brown paper horse with a brown paper saddle, wore brown paper clothes, had a brown paper gun in a brown paper holster with brown paper bullets, sported a brown paper hat and brown paper boots? The sheriff arrested him for rustling.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on February 22, 2020, 11:51:01 AM
 A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them."Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks.

 Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

. Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."

She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on February 22, 2020, 01:33:03 PM
Three men were arrested and brought before the Judge.
The conversation went like this.
The judge asked the first man, "Why did you get arrested?"
"For blowing bubbles in the park"
"That's not a crime. Case dismissed"
He asked the second man the same question and got the same answer.
"Ridiculous. Case dismissed"
He asked the third man, "I guess you were blowing bubbles in the park too"
"Oh no, your honor. I'm Bubbles"
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on February 24, 2020, 03:29:18 PM
Imagine if you will an atheist stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that says honk if you love Jesus.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on March 10, 2020, 06:41:55 PM

@STUinSD
The Proper Way to Call Someone a Bastard

1. A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
10:40 AM · Mar 10, 2020·Twitter Web App
25
 Retweets
57
 Likes
Socialism is contrary to human nature - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
6h
Replying to
@STUinSD
2. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
Socialism is contrary to human nature - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
6h
3. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
Socialism is contrary to human nature - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
6h
4. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Socialism is contrary to human nature - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
7h
5. The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

And that is the proper way to call someone a Bastard!

///The end.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on March 18, 2020, 03:17:58 PM

Irish Fishing

1. It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.


2. A curious gentleman passing by asked what he was doing. 'Fishing', replied the old man. Poor old fool, thought the gentlemen. So, he decided he would invite the old man to have a drink in the pub.

·

3. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And, how many have you caught today?'
 
'You're the eighth, replied the old man.'
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on March 19, 2020, 08:05:50 AM

3. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And, how many have you caught today?'
 
'You're the eighth, replied the old man.'

 ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on March 20, 2020, 11:12:36 AM
Reminds me of the joke about the man who was walking by the insane asylum when he heard chanting, "13-13-13". Curious he peeked through a knothole in the fence and got poked in the eye by a stick. The chanting changed to, "14-14-14".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on March 21, 2020, 02:56:20 PM
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard



Max, enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.


SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:


Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 02, 2020, 03:51:10 PM
Two hillbillies were driving on a country road when they saw a sheep with her head stuck between the rails.
The driver said, "I've never screwed a sheep". He climbed down and proceeded to do her. Them he zipped up and said to his friend, "OK it's your turn". His friend said, "You crazy? I'd never get my haid between them rails".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on April 03, 2020, 07:55:10 AM
LOL!! Just a pic here.
The Scream
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: kimberlygretchen on April 03, 2020, 12:45:01 PM
LOL!! Just a pic here.
The Scream


(http://www.sellersoapbox.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=288.0;attach=15027;image)

I like. A new genre of visual art. Oreo art.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on April 06, 2020, 05:42:42 PM
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
-
"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
-
"I am not Master Ayumu."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on April 06, 2020, 05:45:25 PM
Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"? ????
 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on April 06, 2020, 11:12:19 PM
To distinguish it from a piano.

David
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 08, 2020, 10:13:23 PM
To distinguish it from a piano.

David

Had to do a double take on that one/ LOL 
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on April 14, 2020, 01:17:03 PM
Engineering On Demand @EngOnDemand

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on April 16, 2020, 09:37:57 PM
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says: I think I might be a type O.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on April 23, 2020, 07:57:27 PM
'Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber' children's book

Clunky video

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2897613953692924
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on April 28, 2020, 08:46:03 AM
A ventriloquist was doing his act, part of which was a string of blond jokes. A blond in the audience stood up and shouted, "I'm sick of all these blond jokes. I'm just as smart as you are". The ventriloquist started to apologize and she jumped to her feet again, "You stay out of it. I was talking to that little runt sitting on your knee"!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Tim on April 28, 2020, 11:41:12 AM
A child asks his father what "gay" means


The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies: "Dad are you gay?"


The father laughs and says: "No son, I have a wife".
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: hoodatsaydat on May 06, 2020, 02:00:23 PM
A cop lit up a guy who was speeding. Instead of pulling over he went even faster. The cop finally got him stopped and asked,"Did you just try to outrun me?"
"Yes sir but I can explain it."
"It better be good but let's hear it."
"Well sir, last week my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were him trying to give her back."
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on May 15, 2020, 09:57:21 PM
 - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
Celibacy

1. Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
8:49 PM · May 15, 2020·Twitter Web App
56
 Retweets
9
 Likes - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
8m
Replying to
@STUinSD
2. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
The Democrats and ChiComs are simpatico - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
7m
3. He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
The Democrats and ChiComs are simpatico - Stu Cvrk
@STUinSD
·
8m
4. Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

///The end.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 16, 2020, 08:59:53 AM
.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on May 27, 2020, 09:35:33 AM
Sometimes what one hears is not exactly what the other person has in mind.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on May 29, 2020, 07:05:04 AM
Now this is funny
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on May 29, 2020, 10:19:12 AM
Now this is funny
That IS funny!
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: bubba on June 05, 2020, 08:33:44 PM
Hellscape bingo card for 2020.
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on August 06, 2020, 09:09:56 AM
Some folks have only one thing on their mind
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on September 05, 2020, 04:13:29 PM
An unusual view of heaven
Title: Re: JOKE THREAD: Need a laugh? Let's post jokes and humor content here
Post by: Book_meister on October 10, 2020, 06:29:22 PM
It's was a miracle I say a miracle

David